Numbers

Guess what??? My mind and body are awake, and it's before 11am. That is rare. No matter how early or late I go to bed, my body always needs at least 12 hours of sleep. It's an effect depression has on me. Lexapro has been in my system for over a year now, and Seroquel XR for just over two months. Energy always feels so out of my reach, even with taking these two medications. And even though I feel wide awake right now, my body stills feels heavy with fatigue.

That is what a good day for my body feels like. I have just taken the last gulp of my Alkalizing Fuel/Citrucel concoction. It has been 9 days now of adding these to my diet. It seems to help immediately after taking it, but so far I'm not seeing it as an all day solution. I do plan to finish the bottle though, and maybe even skip a day at some point to see if I feel worse.

Another good thing about today, is that my stomach doesn't feel so swollen and heavy like it has been. I really want to weigh myself to see if I lost any weight, but I promised myself that I won't weigh my body until the day before my birthday (February 9th). The numbers I see on the scale are ruining me. My emotions become so wrapped up in the 3 digit number that lights up on our scale. I can't keep doing that to myself. So far I haven't weighed myself since the 23rd, which has been a week free of torcher.

Today I plan to take my sweet Toby for another walk. I'm hoping my mom will go with me. It's only been a few days since I have seen her, but I miss her already. My stomach is aching badly from yesterday's Ab Jam. It's a very missed feeling that I welcome back with wide open arms. Hopefully this momentum of working out keeps going, because it might be the only way to give my body the extra boost of energy it so desperately needs every day.

Not-So-Bad Monday

As I type, I'm munching on a "healthy" brownie. Sometime last year, My Aunt Lala told me about "black bean brownies". Immediately my face cringed. "That sounds gross," I told her. She insisted they were delicious and that you couldn't even taste the beans. So this evening I searched allrecipes.com for black bean brownies. There was only one recipe, and I tried it.

The brownies really aren't that bad. There is no flour or leavening agents in this recipe, so the texture is a little different. It's texture seems dry, but it's strangely moist at the same time. One thing is for sure: my chocolate craving has been satisfied, and I feel good knowing I added a little extra fiber and protein to my diet.

Aside from my baking adventure, Toby and I went on another walk. We saw a super cute Westie on the opposite side of a chain linked fence. They became instant friends. When we got home he slept like a rock. Finally. He is so high energy that usually a walk only peps him up. Maybe it's because his walks are becoming more regular. One point for me. Somehow I summoned the energy after our walk to do Turbo Jam's 20 minute "Ab Jam". It burned soo good. It was after that workout that I craved the brownies. That better not become a regular thing, or I'm in deep trouble.

Starting NOW

Yes. For real. It's 11pm and I'm going to work out. I still have not worked out since I posted the 4 minute workout video. It has to start sometime. I need to become serious with myself. No more puting it off. This summer I want to look in the mirror while wearing my bikini and blurt out.... "DAMN." Turbo Jam, here I come. My next 40 minutes are completely yours.

UPDATE:
Technically it's now Sunday. I have completed Turbo Sculpt for the first time in 5 years. It feels SO good. Although I have lost a lot of muscle while battling my depression for the past 6 years, I'm a lot stronger than I realized. I nearly began to cry after I finished my workout. Why have I been so scared to do Turbo Sculpt? It may be the failure of not completing it. I only ever get 10 minutes into it before I give up. NOT today. NOT anymore. Thank you God for my surge of energy. I now believe in myself once again.

Feel free to track my progress or become a workout buddy of mine here on Team Beachbody. You don't need to own or use any of their programs to join either :)

Aha!

Last night while doing what I do best (pinteresting), I came across the fact that fiber makes you feel full longer. My diet hardly includes an ounce of fiber, and considering my endless pit of a stomach recently, I decided to give fiber a try. So this morning, while filling my fancy shmancy Total Nutrition shaker with my Alkalizing Fuel (on day 2 now), I added a tablespoon of Citrucel to it that we happened to have in the cabinet. Usually I can finish my cup of oatmeal, but this morning I couldn't even finish half of it. That once forgotten feeling of a full stomach came back, and I was thrilled. Aside from the large mug of ice cream that I just finished consuming, my day was not spent shoving my face with crackers. It feels so good to have a normal appetite! It's something I took for granted. Never again.

Aside from my blunder of the sweet, creamy, comforting taste of 12 ounces of ice cream (boy that sounds like a lot! but it's only 1.5 cups... only) I took my dog for a walk. My poor 7.5 month old puppy has only gone on about 10 walks. We kept up a good pace, and I made sure we didn't come back home until we had walked for a total of 30 minutes. It was a sweet victory within a dark and gloomy week for me, especially since yesterday was spent in my bed. Eating animal crackers.

Toby on our walk today

My medicine doesn't seem to be doing its job anymore. My doctor has me at 150mg of Seroquel XR now. The first week of taking 100mg was amazing. It was wonderful being myself again for the first time in nearly 6 years. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. God is my only hope.

Battles

On my way home from the post office this afternoon, I decided to stop at Safeway to grab some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. The oatmeal cookie one. The one that makes you salivate just thinking about it. The one that takes away your sorrow for just a while. It sounded so good, and the grocery store was just across the street from where I had purchased stamps (which, by the way, have gone up an entire penny today). A battle with myself began as I approached the traffic light. Go straight and head home with the victory of not giving in to sweet temptation? Or turn left and tell myself that I will start eating healthy tomorrow?

I turned left.

As I was driving through the parking lot, my eyes caught sight of a sign that read "Total Nutrition" right next to Safeway. For about a month now, I have been contemplating buying "diet" pills, or appetite suppressants. My anti-depressants have made me gain 8 pounds. My doctor says it's a side affect of Seroquel XR, because it makes you crave carbs. But my smarts always kick in and tell me how stupid of an idea diet pills are. The entire foundation of me not working out is energy, and my vitamin B pills just don't do their job. I found a parking spot and turned off the car. I sat there, in the driver's seat for a few seconds. Safeway? Or this mysterious "get muscles here" store? I craved the sweet victory much more than the temporary safety net of Ben and Jerry's, so I walked in the direction of the muscle store.

"Who am I going to run into? What if it's a beautiful skinny chick at the counter who judges me? Are there going to be a bunch of buff guys in there?"

Honestly, I was terrified. So much that my palms began to sweat in the midst of our freezing January. As I walked into the tiny store. Everything seemed black. There might have even been purple lights? I'm not sure. There was a buff guy behind the counter talking to a skinny woman who had just purchased alkaline water. Three gallons to be exact. They chatted for another minute or so until the woman left. He then turned to me. "What brings you in today?" asked the buff man. It was obvious I have never been in there before, or any other nutrition store. There I was, in an over-sized sweatshirt, jeans and tennies, with my uncontrollably curly locks tied back in a bun and wearing black-rimmed glasses. "I need energy."

After what seemed like 10 minutes of him explaining how the body and energy function together using a hundred metaphors, he showed me a powder called Alkalinity Fuel. Yum. It dented my wallet $37. While we were talking, another buffy walked in and sat down, waiting for buffy #1 so he can buy what I'm assuming is a truck load of muscle powder. Buffy #2 told me to give it at least a week, and then I'll want to take it every morning because I will love the amount of energy I get. I hope these guys are right. As I was leaving, I told them I'd be back in a month with a verdict. It better be a good one.

Alkalinity Fuel by Nutracore Nutrition

When will I tell my husband? We don't exactly have a lot of money, especially not for extras. Maybe when he notices that I have energy. That way he won't be so mad when he sees the positive effect is has on me. Hopefully.

Oh Boy

I must admit, that I have not worked out since my last blog entry. My new anti-d's have a nasty side effect of weight gain, so I'm up 8 pounds. Blow to my confidence. In addition, I have turned to desserts to make me feel better. Then, when I look at the empty cup of ice cream, or the cookie crumbs left on my plate, my emotions take an even steeper turn. After only two weeks, I summoned the courage to step on the scale. The number makes sense. My pants hurt to wear, and I can no longer suck in my gut.  This is the heaviest I have ever been.

This morning, however, I realized that I CAN get back on track to eating healthy. My frozen blueberries and grapes were a wonderful way to wake up. I forgot how delicious they are, and how good they make me feel. Struggling with clinical depression and lack of energy while trying to exercise is like trying to mix oil and water. But I can do this. There are too many stories of people who were actually obese lose all their extra weight. My journey isn't as long as theirs. I can't give up. I won't give up.

Energy

Today is starting off slow. I mean slooowwwww. Working out does not sound fun. Only at 1 in the morning while browsing Pinterest am I ever motivated to exercise. Even then I say "tomorrow I will start!" Right. My medications don't help with my energy either.

Energy should be surging through my body after 2 cups of coffee. Nope. Nada. Being three o'clock in the afternoon, I should probably climb out of my fluffy brown robe and put on my "working out" outfit. That way, when that 30 second window of "I'm totally going to break a sweat right this instant!" shows up, I'm ready for it.

Changed. I already feel nauseous thinking about working out. Why does it scare me so much? *sigh*. This is my choice. Four minutes of a high-intensity workout. Here I go. Agh!



BOOM. Holy freakin' shitake mushrooms Batman. It was no easier the second time around either (first tried last week). Well... I feel a little better about myself. Maybe I'll take my dog Toby for a walk now. Maybe.

Cheers

This feels a little cliche. I'm creating a blog at the beginning of a new year because I feel inspired to write about my journey to a healthier life. Well, I'm not banking on having any readers, considering the thousands of blogs already written. This one is for me. If you happen to read it, then I hope in some way you become inspired -whether it be to eat a super delicious cookie or go on a sunny walk.

I have always felt that our life should not be lived without a written record, only to have a few memorable moments out of each year. Instead I have journaled as much of my 23 years of life as often as I could. Nearly each age of mine has been physically logged since I was 6 years old. It began with a Hello Kitty diary I received as a Christmas present from my cousin Gaby. That book, along with about five others, are safely tucked away in our garage. Once in a few years, I'll even pull out my journals and read them all the way through. It's a personal novel. Marveling at my accomplishments and understanding where I learned my most important life lessons are something that could not be possible without my journaling. All the little occurrences that make up the big picture are what I strive to remember, and this year is no different.

Cheers to a new year, and a new journal.