A.C.E. Supplement Review

This will be the last supplement review I do. I want to find energy in non-pill forms. 

Ohhh YouTube... You never fail to choose the most retarded looking video thumbnails for me.

I Can't Stop Thinking About Food!

A "Blah" Week

Where did this week even go? I'm taken aback that today is already Friday. Time flies way too fast, especially when you're severely depressed. This week I have been living in my room. So far I have only done P90X on Tuesday, so I am restarting week 7 on Monday. This probably has to do with me dropping Seroquel and only being on Lexapro. This Vlog Monday I mentioned that I was feeling better, but that was temporary. Very temporary.

On Wednesday I went to my doctor and after about 2 hours, it was agreed that I was a good candidate for TMS. Since then I have been so emotional. Being free of this horrible condition is SO close, yet seems so out of reach. The procedure is not the cheapest. We knew it wouldn't be, but somehow I thought it would be figured out on the spot and I could begin ASAP. Reality set in and $15,000 is lot less tangible than I had imagined. My parents are doing everything they can right now to be approved for a loan to get my treatment.
It's one thing to know you're loved, and another to see people struggle for you. I had no idea how much my depression affected those around me until Wednesday. My husband and parents were there, and hearing them answer questions about who Debra was just killed me. Maybe that's what affected me most and put me into this deeper depression. Also not doing my workout is making me feel inadequate, and giving me thoughts of "Why am I even doing this? I'm going to be one of those bloggers that begin something potentially good and then fall off the face of the earth a few months later, aren't I?"
I have to get out of this funk. Sure, I can somewhat deal with being depressed on a daily basis. But this? This is a deep depression. The kind where I can't wake up or have a conversation because it takes too much energy. The kind where I eat everything in sight and then feel worse. The kind where I keep screaming into my pillow and biting my arm to relieve some emotional pain. The kind that will erase me if I don't do something quick.

Vlog Monday

V3 (Voyager Health Supplement) Review

For the past two days I have taken what is known as V3: Weight Management Complex Energy + Mood + Appetite Control. Yes, I am against diet pills, but I honestly didn't know this until after I read the label which happened to be after I took the pills. This wasn't smart, and I'm realizing this now.

Day 1 made me go a little insane. I made a short video which portrays how I actually felt. All joking aside, I was a little scared. When my husband came home from work and saw me all bug-eyed, he straight up told me I looked crazy. The combination of ingredients in the V3 pill revved up my engine higher than it would normally run on a good day for me, which meant my body worked harder than ever before. I cleaned, organized, swept, dusted, did a bunch of stuff I have been putting off for months and powered through my workout with ease. But as I was doing my last cool down stretch for ab ripper, I literally fell asleep.

After what I'm assuming was about five minutes, I woke up in child's pose on my yoga mat. Immediately I called for my husband, who had to physically pick me up and sit me down on our office chair. One pill and three hours later, my body crashed. Now why did I take it again this morning? Probably because I'm retarded. Nothing happened today anyway. Nothing. Zip. Nada. It was almost as though I didn't even take a V3 pill.

This evening I finally did the smart thing and read the tiny packet the pills came in. There is a laundry list of people who should not take this supplement. Because it's not clearly listed on the Voyager Health website, I am listing it here. What I underlined is what pertains to me. I'm a little nervous about reviewing A.C.E. now. From now on, I am never popping anything that I don't thoroughly know about. Lesson fully learned.

Click photo to be directed to Voyager Health website

TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

Yesterday while talking to my doctor about how my medication isn't helping, she brought up what sounded like a crazy futuristic and fictional therapy. At first I kind of laughed out the word "What?!" She began to explain what is called TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation; a non-invasive method that stimulates and redirects neurons in the brain by using magnetic currents. My doctor then went on to say they just began this treatment in their clinic last Wednesday, and of the 3 patients who are doing this, one already feels better. As soon as she said that, I told her I wanted to know more.

A TMS specialist was called into the office, and we set up an appointment with her for next Wednesday to talk more about this procedure, and to decide if it was right for me. My husband and I went home, not able to stop thinking about this mystical cure for depression. It sounds too good to be true, but after 6 years of suffering, I'm willing to try anything.

When I got home I decided to do my own research, since I'm not patient enough to wait until next week to know more about TMS. We found this video from Dr. Oz that just aired on Wednesday. Around minute 3 in this video, a volunteer patient begins talking about her experience with TMS. When she mentioned what her son had said, I began sobbing. All I want is to be myself again. I miss Debra!!! I don't care how much this costs, I'll do whatever it takes to  be able to live life to the fullest again.

 

 

This video is amazing. Check it out for yourself :)

The Power Within a Small Gift

My body is so heavy with fatique. I'm afraid that what I'm getting out of my workouts is very little because I have only been puting in half as much effort as before. Energy has been out of my reach for a while now. It's the worst feeling. Imagine being stuck in the dreamworld and you want to wakeup, but you can't. You're screaming inside so your body can hear you to snap out of your dream with no avail. I'm trapped in my body. My mind is awake but my body isn't.

I haven't left the house since last week, and I have no desire to. It doesn't help that the weather has been so wet and gloomy. My emotions seem to mimic the weather. When the sun is out and the sky is blue, my mood is better. Not perfect, but better. When the weather is dark, my emotions seem to take a dive. Thankfully I live in the second most sunniest city in the United States: Redding, CA. I love the sun. Summer is my favorite season. Often I find myself day dreaming about floating on a blow-up raft, with my glistening skin reflecting the sunrays while soaking up it's warmth. I live for those days. June can't come soon enough.

A few days ago I became inspired to add a tab to my blog with my bucket list (still in the process of doing). My life list began when I was about 15, and in one of my older journals is a long list of things I wanted to do or become before I left this earth. While going through my pile of journals to find this list, I came across the Hello Kitty diary I mentioned in my very first blog post on Deb's Fitness Journey. Since I received this diary for Christmas 1996, I have not stopped writing about every event in my life.

Nearly each age of mine has been physically logged since I was 6 years old. I have always felt that our life should not be lived without a written record, only to have a few memorable moments out of each year. Instead I have journaled as much of my 24 years of life as often as I could. I thought it would be special to share this journal with you that inspired my passion for writing, so here it is :)

Although the date reads1997, it was in fact 1996. The following year of writing took place in 1997 at 9 years old :)

Vlog Monday

My favorite one so far. Watch to see why ;)

Goosfraba... Goosfraba...

We all get upset, and even experience anger from time to time. Each individual expresses these emotions in their own way. Some people yell, some don't say anything, and others shut down. When I get angry, I cry.
Because of my depression, I can't hold a steady job. My unstable emotions make me unreliable, even with medication. Therefore, my husband is the only source of income. He is a full time Christian Counseling student and works a part time job. As you can imagine, this is not enough income for us to live on our own. Thankfully, my in-laws are amazing people who graciously let us stay with them.
My husband is wonderful. I mean the best I could have found. He takes care of me, washes our clothes, helps take care of our 4 pets, studies every day, reads endlessly, works with children on a daily basis, works out, finds time for his friends and family, and is so patient with me. This guy has a stressful life, but still remains so calm and encourages me all the time. He always brings me up when I am down, tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and never ceases to make me laugh (even in the midst of my breakdowns). He's talented to be able to juggle all these things and deal with a spouse who has severe clinical depression.
Now there are a few people who have a problem with me living with my in-laws and blames my husband for not being a good provider. Today could have easily been a horrific day for me, and maybe even the next few weeks could have been ruined too. I base this off of my past experiences. When these people say things to me to bring me down, it works, and I shut down. These people mean so much to me, and to hear negative things come out of their mouths kills me. My bed becomes my new home and I question over and over why. I don't take showers or take care of myself. For a short time, I die inside.

Not today.

Today I took the high road. I am better than those who have nothing better to do than think of minuscule things and blow them out of proportion to have a reason to argue and hate against me and those I love dearly. Instead I shed a brief tear, tore up the punching bag the best I knew how and exercised for the next hour and 45 minutes. I never had so much fun working out than I did today.

This is the last time I mention you, or even spend my time thinking about you. You are such a negative influence in my life and only bring me down. I love you both and wish you the best of luck with the remainder of your years.

"But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!" - Isaiah 54:17 NLT"

Be Strong

I am the most athletically challenged person I know. Some people who weigh 2-3 times as much as I do are in more shape than I am. Carrying in groceries, standing up from sitting on the floor and even standing up for long periods of time are just a few things that have been difficult for me. My six years of major clinical depression are to blame for my physical incapabilities.

Any person that has experienced depression knows how hard it is to have to claw and fight your way out of that deep dark hole continuously just to continue breathing. Anyone who can withstand depression, let alone for multiple years, and still be alive today is STRONG. Not letting depression suck you into its depths and keep you there means that you are a FIGHTER.  Anyone with a strong enough mindset to not have committed suicide during a horrible mental illness can GET THROUGH ANYTHING.

"Where there is a will, there is a way."

You can do it. You have the capability to push yourself on a daily basis and move your body. It is by no means easy. In fact it may be that furthest thing from it. Whether it be P90X, another Beachbody workout, or any other physical activity that you chose, you are capable. It's all mental.

Now there are some exceptions, such as knee or back injuries, but the Internet is a glorious thing. There are many low-impact workouts out there. People are so creative in finding ways around obstacles that stand in the way between them and being healthy. Don't let anything stand in YOUR way. I'm not letting anything stand in mine.

Vlog Monday

Yay! It's here!

P90X 30 Day Weigh-In

Today was the day I have been fearing all week. Because I missed three days in a row of working out, I was afraid it would affect my weigh-in. In all honesty, I wasn't expecting my body to change at all. After I took my photos, I was a little shocked. Change is so gradual you don't feel it until you take a step back and look at the whole picture. I contemplated whether or not to post this photo. This is called Deb's Fitness Journey, not Deb's Fitness Results where I only show you my body when I'm all done. This is the real deal.
So here it is, my 30 day P90X weigh-in. It's almost embarrassing, but I told myself I'd share the nitty gritty throughout this journey.. I wish I could blame Seroquel XR for making me gain so much weight, but before I began that medication my emotional eating was already out of control.

 

Weird right? Maybe it's only weird to me. Who sees this kind of perspective of their body every day? The mirror behind my bedroom door sure didn't show me this. All I did was push myself through every exercise. In NO way was this a simple challenge. The last month has been one of the hardest 30 days I've faced. On top of dragging myself out of bed, I had to push myself to move. I hate moving. My bed was my best friend, but now I'm not so sure any more. More and more am I realizing it's my enemy. The thought of staying in it all day feels so right, but actually being in it feels so wrong.

I'm not even sure why I decided to do P90X. Turbo Jam works perfectly fine. Maybe I figured if I'm going to torture myself, I might as well go all out. Well... this sure is an all out torture, but the best one EVER.

It's Only the Beginning

On January 8th when my blog began, I had no intention for others to read it. This was going to be a private journal for myself. Then I began to share it with a few people who are close to me so they know how I'm feeling, since I'm better at writing than talking to others. From that point on, I decided to make my blog public so others who are going through the same thing as me know they aren't alone.
Since the decision to go public, I have been overwhelmed with encouragement from so many people from all over. Most of the time their words make me teary-eyed. What's even greater is those who have contacted me telling me they are going through the same thing. Even though I would never wish depression on anyone, it's a relief to know I'm not alone.
My journey is a little baby. It's still so fresh and I have only taken my first few steps. I am so excited and enthusiastic about what the next few months hold. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to everyone for your amazing words of encouragement and for helping to hold me accountable. You really are one of the biggest reasons I keep pushing myself and moving forward. I appreciate you so much!

Anxiety Up The Wazoo

Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I felt that if I saw or spoke to anyone I would burst out in tears. On my way to my friend's house to drop something off, I began to ask myself a series of questions that sometimes helps.
* Am I going to die? No.
* Am I being forced to do something I don't want to? No.
* Did someone say something hurtful to me? No.
* Is something bad about to happen? No.
Seriously, why did I feel like crying? I was going to a bunco party but ended up canceling because my anxiety was getting out of control. But even after I knew I didn't have to go, I still felt like crying uncontrollably. It never makes sense. Anxiety never does. I'm glad I was driving, because when I do I am able to see God's amazing artwork that surrounds me where I live.

Redding is beautiful. When I moved here, I didn't plan to stay long, but now I never want to leave. Seeing the snow covered mountains that ascend from dark to light colors are a breathtaking view that even after 5 years, I do not take for granted.

View of Mt. Shasta

Sundial Bridge

And my favorite - Whiskeytown Lake <3

Even at this moment though, I still have anxiety. Some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't worked out in two days. In my defense (against my own mind) I am menstruating. Now remember I hardly have any energy to begin with. So for the past two days I have been sleeping. Being awake hurts. It doesn't help that my father-in-law brought home more deliciousness.

Someone please tell my father-in-law to hide his stash in his room. Please.

See what I'm dealing with here? Months ago he bought criss-cut fries in bulk, and those are so easy to pop in the air cooker. Why is eating healthy so hard? Why is sugar so addicting? This fitness journey is getting harder by the day. And I have to admit, that the beautiful orange square on the 29th of February was filled in before I worked out. I had every intention to do Kenpo X. Honest. My body hasn't done any working out since Monday. Ugh. It does NOT feel good. Tony I miss you. Energy needs to come in a magic pill that I can take once and I'll forever be an energizer bunny. Please pray for me.