Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My Body's Progress

Time to get back onto the fitness wagon! Especially after a day out on on the lake yesterday in a barely there bikini. I can't even begin to describe how self-concious I felt, but I have a hunch that you know that feeling all too well.

In my last video, I mentioned that I would take photos of my current body. By now it's been about 5 weeks since I have done P90X, and now that my stomach flu is finally over I'd like to pick up where I left off. I made it through phase 1 and 2 of P90X, and started day 1 of phase 3. I think I'll simply begin phase 3 again so I can start off by doing weight training ( I love it way more than cardio, which is day 2).

So... well... here they are *closes eyes*...



Ok, so it could be worse. I'm not back to square one, but I have regressed a bit. On April 22 I made a promise to not weigh myself until June 1st (only 3 more days until I can! Yay!) so I have no idea what I weigh. As Flab2Fab mentioned, gaining weight is a part of the journey. I need to accept this and keep moving forward.

Being in my bikini on Memorial Day: brave or inconsiderate?

Here's something interesting. This is a chart of my blog's facebook page activity for the month of May. I find it interesting how accurately it reflects my depression and mood. During the middle of this month I seemed to be doing worse than usual, and the chart reflects that. Fascinating.


Sunday, May 27, 2012

A Break in the Storm

I don't even know where to start. In summary, yesterday was A GOOD DAY. A very wholesome, family filled, packed with smiles and laughter kind of day. The relief of not being burdened with the worst fatigue and overwhelming sadness is indescribable. Now, not to say I felt 100% normal again, but I'll take that 75% good feeling any day.

It started out with waking up one hour before my alarm clock. This is considered a huge feat by my husband, since I'm always fighting to stay in bed. My mom called soon after to ask us to pick up a BBQ for my step-dad as a surprise birthday gift (Happy Birthday today, PZ!). My husband and I happily went to Home Depot to get the BBQ. We were like giddy school girls when we picked it up and sneakily hid it in my parent's shed.

What was even more fun, was seeing the surprised look on his face when we pulled off the blanket that was covering it on the back porch. He quickly went to the store and spent a good two hours doing what I'm assuming was the best grocery trip of his life. While he was barbequeing, I began dancing around on the back porch. PZ turned to look at me and said "I really love seeing you like this." It dawned on me that I was having an amazing day. I mean, look at me! I was DANCING!

Today was my fifth day of taking my new medication, Abilify 2mg, on top of my Lexpro 20mg and Seroquel 25mg. Friday was also my 31st TMS session. Now that I am finished, I am tapering off TMS by doing two sessions a week for the next three weeks. We'll see how I continue to do. Hopefully progressivly better :)







Enjoying the sunshine and the lake behind my parent's house

Yes. Shaving our legs outside. You ladies MUST do this. It's so fun and makes shaving more enjoyable!!!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Love My Summer

I cannot even begin to tell you how deep my love for Summer is. When this season begins to approach, I become anxious for the sun's rays to warm my skin that is glistening with lake water. Nothing compares to being in the midst of God's beauty at Whiskeytown Lake. You hear nothing. You smell everything. The feeling of freedom consumes me when I'm in the clear blue water. Nature surrounds you with it's most brilliant blue and green hues.

When I'm there, I am not depressed. There are no feelings of the burning sadness running down my chest that burdens me on a daily basis. For a few blissfull hours, I'm free. The simple thought of being at the lake brings me relief of experiencing those feelings that oppose the darkness in my life.

Everyone has their Summer. What is yours?



Summer 2010 - My husband, Matthew, and I

Summer 2010 - Sis-N-Law Katie, Brother Jason, Me, Husband Matthew

Summer 2010 - Brother Jason, Sis-N-Law Katie, Me, Husband Matthew

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

P90X Update

Here is a vlog from yesterday updating my readers on where I'm at in my P90X program.

Happy hump day everyone :)

 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Daily Ray of Sunshine

For the last month or so, I have been seeing a counselor once a week after doing my TMS treatments. At the beginning of this month while talking to my counselor, Staci, she suggested a little something for me to help me during my seemingly harder times with depression lately. This little exercise has me seeking out each and every positive occurrence throughout every day of mine. "Even if you simply smell a beautiful flower, you can look at that a positive in your day." That challenge was happily accepted, considering I'm willing to try anything to be less miserable.

Since that visit with Staci, I have started a new page on this blog devoted to my everyday blessings. I am now finding myself paying attention to everything that happens throughout the day and finding my "daily ray of sunshine" amid my severe depression. It might seem cheesy, but I urge you to try for yourself. You'll be surprised how it'll change your perception.

Needless to say, I'm still extremely depressed, even more so lately. There are 27 TMS sessions under my belt. Over a week ago I missed a day because I had a panic attack at the office, and I have missed the last 3 days due to a horrid stomach flu that landed me in the ER Monday night. My husband says that even though it's not night and day, TMS is helping me. He and I both see that I haven't spent nearly as much time as I use to in bed. What he doesn't feel is what I do inside. Even though my fight is strong, the pain inside me seems stronger. TMS feels like a failure to me. Why even carry out the rest of my treatments? It's a waste of my time and money.

And yes, that's me talking. Not the depression... right? Right. Wait a minute...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dragging

Fitness has seemed to have come to a complete halt. I haven't worked out since last Tuesday, and before that was the Monday before. There has been ZERO energy flowing through my body. I mean, yea I'm menstruating, but to be this drained for over two weeks? Agh! Enough is enough already. I'm trying my best to keep my chin up. For the most part we are having a beautiful spring, there are plenty of crafting projects to keep me out of bed, and I have TMS still going.

Speaking of TMS, yesterday was session 21 out of 30. I'm getting nervous because it hasn't made any impact on my depression. If anything I was doing better before I started treatment. I wonder if it has to do with the stress of waking up at a decent time every day, leaving the comfort of my home every day, and having to converse with people face to face every day. Can a difference really be made in only 9 more sessions?? God, I sure hope so.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Ow, My Heart.

Today I discovered a website called deviantart.com while looking at pieces from a local artist. After I was finished looking at her beautiful work, I wanted to browse this new [to me] website. I located the search bar, and typed in the first thing I thought of: depression.

After seeing a few powerful images, I came across this prose describing a day with depression. Reading it sent tears down my face. Can you say SPOT ON?


"...You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.

Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.

Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.

Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.

Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight." - PIXIEJANE