Fighting The Good Fight

I was lying in bed at 5:30 this morning, unable to go to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. My body was sore as usual, so I decided to stretch my back. When I was done, my back went into spasms that nearly disabled me. And I began to cry.

Not because the pain is unbearable. I’ve gotten used to withstanding the pain I’m in daily. But because I’m so out of control. My body is weak, tired, and broken. I’ve been battling chronic illnesses for years, but the nerve pain I have been experiencing has been more of a recent battle, starting over a year ago, and it’s a tough one to face.

I hate being out of control. I don’t need much of it. But can I have a little? Can I have enough to be able to be pain free and enjoy my life? Imagine having your mouth wired shut, and trying to shove a banana between your teeth to get nourishment. My body’s ailments don’t allow me the nourishment of my wonderful life. I know it’s wonderful. But I don’t get to fully experience it. I’m too busy sleeping 5-8 hour intervals throughout each day.

I’m trying my best to fight with all my heart and soul. I know God has a plan. He will bring good out of my suffering (Romans 8:28). But it’s been so long. Can you at least tell me a part of your plan so I am not discouraged? I know you hear my cries. I know you feel my agony and physical suffering. I know you love me more than I can comprehend. So it must be a stinkin’ good plan. My suffering must do something for someone else. I guess I need to ask myself: if a lifetime of these illnesses brings one person to Christ somehow, is it worth it? Indeed it is. So I must take joy knowing my pain is not in vain. I’ll understand someday, but today is not that day. I must do my best not to be upset, and take hope knowing one day it will be gone. My time will come when I’ll get an eternity of joy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.

God, please use me. Comfort me deeply. Give me the endurance I need to keep going in this lifetime. I need your strength badly, because mine will not get me anywhere.

Amen

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

March 2014 Update

This is my newest update about my health and where I'm at in my fitness journey :)

This Is Getting Old

I'm tired of being tired. I mean TIRED of it. Fatigue: you need to find yourself a new home. Like a hyper dog whose owners need a break. Or a toddler whose mom needs some rest. Not me. I have a life to live, and have no time for this nonsense of fighting every waking second to stay awake. Making a conscious decision to not take a nap or get back into bed is tiring in itself. Besides, I miss working out. I think about it every day. All the time. I want to soo badly. But my body just can't do it. It can hardly even function.

My nurse and my psychiatrist both think I have chronic fatique syndrome. Which is basically a side effect of depression. I had my blood drawn at a lab last week, and secretly I want them to come back positive. At least I'll get some stimulants.