The Mind-Body Connection

God has been working in our lives so powerfully. It’s amazing what can happen when you let go and let God do His thing. What’s that? It’s easier said than done? Yes. It certainly is.

There is something I must admit: I am a glutton for reality television, especially The Real Housewives of Orange County and Beverly Hills. This season of RHOBH has been kind of a dud. A month after season 6 began I decided to give it another chance. It was boring, but I let it play in the background.

In one scene, a woman named Yolanda (who is suffering from Lyme disease) was talking to one of her friends on a park bench. Kyle was expressing that she could relate to being bedridden by an illness, and it made my ears perk. She explained to Yolanda that when her mother died, she fell into a deep depression and was in bed for a few years. She couldn’t do anything, including taking care of her kids. Yolanda responded by telling her that our minds are so powerful that when a traumatic event takes place, it can affect us physically. 

I have heard about that before. But this time was different. I think having a bird’s eye view and watching those women go through their lives really put things into perspective for me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. God spoke so clearly to me that it was undeniable. I needed to see a counselor to help relieve myself of chronic pain and fatigue.

My experience with counselors, therapists, and psychologists is extremely negative. The very first one I saw dismissed me and told me that what I was feeling was “normal teenage emotions”. The others that followed only created more resistance to open up my heart to another stranger. My husband has lovingly suggested that I meet with a counselor at our church who could counsel me with a Godly perspective. Even the several doctors that have been unable to diagnose my chronic pain and fatigue suggested psychotherapy (doesn’t that sound terrifying??). The thought of pouring everything out again made me sick, and I put it off for years. 

That night God told me I was going. I knew I had no choice but to go. I immediately emailed the head counselor at our church and set up an appointment to see her, which made me feel relieved and scared at the same time. 

There was a lot of anxiety and emotions surrounding my first few meetings. The initial one was a “meet and greet”, and the second meeting my husband attended with me for support. It was the session that I once again poured my heart out, exposed my past, fears, hurts and hopes to. I felt the Holy Spirit working in that room with me, with my husband and with my new counselor. I spoke about things that I have not spoken about and held in for years. At the end of the meeting, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. 

During the next week, I used the “tools” my counselor gave me to work through the current hurts I was letting go. What is incredibly wild is that during that week my physical pain sky rocketed. My body was responding to the emotional turmoil that I was resolving. My negative emotions that I was finally facing were being translated into severe back muscle pain. The mind is so powerful. My mind is so powerful. It was a shocking revelation.

There is amazing power in how we think. That meeting was several months ago. And I am slowly working on each thing; one at a time, that I believe is bearing weight on me. What’s so tough about letting go? Letting go means feeling everything that has been weighing you down. It’s terrifying. It’s too painful. No one wants to revisit emotions that they’ve buried so deep in hopes to never see again. No one wants to reopen and dissect wounds. When it comes to healing though, it’s essential.

Fighting The Good Fight

I was lying in bed at 5:30 this morning, unable to go to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. My body was sore as usual, so I decided to stretch my back. When I was done, my back went into spasms that nearly disabled me. And I began to cry.

Not because the pain is unbearable. I’ve gotten used to withstanding the pain I’m in daily. But because I’m so out of control. My body is weak, tired, and broken. I’ve been battling chronic illnesses for years, but the nerve pain I have been experiencing has been more of a recent battle, starting over a year ago, and it’s a tough one to face.

I hate being out of control. I don’t need much of it. But can I have a little? Can I have enough to be able to be pain free and enjoy my life? Imagine having your mouth wired shut, and trying to shove a banana between your teeth to get nourishment. My body’s ailments don’t allow me the nourishment of my wonderful life. I know it’s wonderful. But I don’t get to fully experience it. I’m too busy sleeping 5-8 hour intervals throughout each day.

I’m trying my best to fight with all my heart and soul. I know God has a plan. He will bring good out of my suffering (Romans 8:28). But it’s been so long. Can you at least tell me a part of your plan so I am not discouraged? I know you hear my cries. I know you feel my agony and physical suffering. I know you love me more than I can comprehend. So it must be a stinkin’ good plan. My suffering must do something for someone else. I guess I need to ask myself: if a lifetime of these illnesses brings one person to Christ somehow, is it worth it? Indeed it is. So I must take joy knowing my pain is not in vain. I’ll understand someday, but today is not that day. I must do my best not to be upset, and take hope knowing one day it will be gone. My time will come when I’ll get an eternity of joy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.

God, please use me. Comfort me deeply. Give me the endurance I need to keep going in this lifetime. I need your strength badly, because mine will not get me anywhere.

Amen

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Simple Ways to Alleviate Depression ~ Vlog Monday #10

When you think about how to cope with depression, what are the first things that come to mind? For me, it is the obvious and traditional approach. Some of these include see a doctor or psychiatrist, meet with a counselor, and surround yourself with positive people.

These are all important steps that those who deal with depression must first take, but when you struggle with depression for any excessive amount of time, you need to take additional steps.

In my last video, I put great emphasis on exercising, eating healthy, cutting out the toxic substance of sugar. This takes time and daily practice. And exercising isn't always a realistic approach, especially if you are impacted with the physical toll that depression can take on your body.

I have come a long way in my battle against depression. It's still something I deal with on a daily basis, even though I have overcome much of it. Today's video explains the achievable steps I take, and some are even realistic for those who are severely debilitated by the cruel disease of depression.

March 2014 Update

This is my newest update about my health and where I'm at in my fitness journey :)

Getting In The Groove Of Things

The last 5 months have been quite an adventure. In December I began P90X (attempt #2) and eating clean. What a life changer it has been. My depression isn't nearly as bad as it used to be, but my energy is still pretty low.

In March I visited a chiropractor, where I found out I have Advanced Spinal Degeneration in my neck. This is causing my vertebrae to grind against each other, while pinching my spinal cord. We think this has a lot to do with my health problems. My chiropractor says my body is running at about 30% capacity (I can attest to this estimate!).

I have been adjusted a few times, and I find that I'm always more emotional afterwards, since I'm experiencing a flood of hormones flowing through my body. It's crazily amazing how powerful our bodies are. We have a 3 month treatment plan set up for me, and I can't wait to get started. But first, to save up the money.

Until then, I'm just going to keep doing my thing: pushing my body every day like a badass. I took up running in January, and I absolutely love it. It's probably quite comical to see me run, but hey, I just don't care. About 7 weeks ago though, I injured my pelvic muscle. Probably from my new love of running. But I didn't realize it. I thought maybe I bruised my hip from running into something (I'm the definition of clumsy). After 4 weeks of the pain not subsiding, and a weekend of 8.5 miles making the pain worse, I knew it was time to see the doctor.

He prescribed me a topical anti-inflammatory to use for the next few weeks, and told me to not do any physical activity (running, hiking, walking, leg training) for the next 6 weeks.

AGGHHH.

He did, however, say I could swim. And because I didn't want to stop moving, Matt and I went out that afternoon on a mission to find a gym with a pool at a good price. And this is where my gym life began.

We joined a gym close to us the very next day (April 6) and have only taken a 2 day break since then. I started out swimming, but got bored with it and realized that it was making my hip hurt even worse. I mean, there are ways to swim that wouldn't, but they didn't get my heart rate high enough. Not to mention I got bored pretty quickly.

Now I weight train my upper and middle body every day. P90X was a great foundation for this, but I have since moved on. I created a 3 day sequence using bodybuilding.com and have been really enjoying getting out of the P90X groove.

Being at the gym is helping tremendously with my social anxiety. I can't even begin to describe how hard it's been to force myself to be around people every day, especially in a place where "normal" people get social anxiety too! Being around a bunch of buff and fit people can be really intimidating. But breaking my mental cycle is imperative if I want to have a life outside of my bedroom.

So I'm a gym person now. I would have never ever guessed in a million years this would happen, especially since I've been a member of 3 other gyms and have gone only a few times and hated it. This time is different. I'm in the right mindset now. And that is most important when it comes to achieving your fitness goals.





P.S. Here is a progress photo from March. When I started P90X again in December, I weighed 151 (which is 9 pounds more than the "before" photo here... I was too embarrassed to take another one so I just used an old one). In the "after" photo I am about 135. Today I've lost a total of 20 pounds. Yay :)

August Update Vlog

Mono

I keep telling myself that I should start writing a blog entry. Even if it’s just rambling on. Anything to write another blog entry. My mind has been a crazy mess. So has my body.

Mono. I have it, and it sucks. There’s not much the doctors can do for me except to have me wait it out. With my depression I’m already really tired all the time. With mono it’s a struggle to be awake all. day. long. My doctors told me to simply let my body rest, but I refuse.

Lately I have been doing anything to keep me busy. I’m working hard with my etsy store, and it’s paying off. My store has been selling nearly every day. It’s such a rewarding feeling to be able to work from home. I also have some items in a local boutique, and refinished furniture in a consignment store. There is also a church that I’m having a blast doing some work for.

The catch here is that if I’m not doing anything, I’m super depressed. But by doing all this stuff, I have a ton of anxiety. I’d rather have anxiety than be depressed. At least I’m being productive, right? No way am I giving into this mono.

Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.

My Body's Progress

Time to get back onto the fitness wagon! Especially after a day out on on the lake yesterday in a barely there bikini. I can't even begin to describe how self-concious I felt, but I have a hunch that you know that feeling all too well.

In my last video, I mentioned that I would take photos of my current body. By now it's been about 5 weeks since I have done P90X, and now that my stomach flu is finally over I'd like to pick up where I left off. I made it through phase 1 and 2 of P90X, and started day 1 of phase 3. I think I'll simply begin phase 3 again so I can start off by doing weight training ( I love it way more than cardio, which is day 2).

So... well... here they are *closes eyes*...

Ok, so it could be worse. I'm not back to square one, but I have regressed a bit. On April 22 I made a promise to not weigh myself until June 1st (only 3 more days until I can! Yay!) so I have no idea what I weigh. As Flab2Fab mentioned, gaining weight is a part of the journey. I need to accept this and keep moving forward.

Being in my bikini on Memorial Day: brave or inconsiderate?

Here's something interesting. This is a chart of my blog's facebook page activity for the month of May. I find it interesting how accurately it reflects my depression and mood. During the middle of this month I seemed to be doing worse than usual, and the chart reflects that. Fascinating.

Love My Summer

I cannot even begin to tell you how deep my love for Summer is. When this season begins to approach, I become anxious for the sun's rays to warm my skin that is glistening with lake water. Nothing compares to being in the midst of God's beauty at Whiskeytown Lake. You hear nothing. You smell everything. The feeling of freedom consumes me when I'm in the clear blue water. Nature surrounds you with it's most brilliant blue and green hues.

When I'm there, I am not depressed. There are no feelings of the burning sadness running down my chest that burdens me on a daily basis. For a few blissfull hours, I'm free. The simple thought of being at the lake brings me relief of experiencing those feelings that oppose the darkness in my life.

Everyone has their Summer. What is yours?

Summer 2010 - My husband, Matthew, and I

Summer 2010 - Sis-N-Law Katie, Brother Jason, Me, Husband Matthew

Summer 2010 - Brother Jason, Sis-N-Law Katie, Me, Husband Matthew

P90X Update

Here is a vlog from yesterday updating my readers on where I'm at in my P90X program.

Happy hump day everyone :)

 

TMS Therapy Day 29

Hey everyone. Here is a vlog updating you on my TMS sessions to date.

Daily Ray of Sunshine

For the last month or so, I have been seeing a counselor once a week after doing my TMS treatments. At the beginning of this month while talking to my counselor, Staci, she suggested a little something for me to help me during my seemingly harder times with depression lately. This little exercise has me seeking out each and every positive occurrence throughout every day of mine. "Even if you simply smell a beautiful flower, you can look at that a positive in your day." That challenge was happily accepted, considering I'm willing to try anything to be less miserable.

Since that visit with Staci, I have started a new page on this blog devoted to my everyday blessings. I am now finding myself paying attention to everything that happens throughout the day and finding my "daily ray of sunshine" amid my severe depression. It might seem cheesy, but I urge you to try for yourself. You'll be surprised how it'll change your perception.

Needless to say, I'm still extremely depressed, even more so lately. There are 27 TMS sessions under my belt. Over a week ago I missed a day because I had a panic attack at the office, and I have missed the last 3 days due to a horrid stomach flu that landed me in the ER Monday night. My husband says that even though it's not night and day, TMS is helping me. He and I both see that I haven't spent nearly as much time as I use to in bed. What he doesn't feel is what I do inside. Even though my fight is strong, the pain inside me seems stronger. TMS feels like a failure to me. Why even carry out the rest of my treatments? It's a waste of my time and money.

And yes, that's me talking. Not the depression... right? Right. Wait a minute...

Dragging

Fitness has seemed to have come to a complete halt. I haven't worked out since last Tuesday, and before that was the Monday before. There has been ZERO energy flowing through my body. I mean, yea I'm menstruating, but to be this drained for over two weeks? Agh! Enough is enough already. I'm trying my best to keep my chin up. For the most part we are having a beautiful spring, there are plenty of crafting projects to keep me out of bed, and I have TMS still going.

Speaking of TMS, yesterday was session 21 out of 30. I'm getting nervous because it hasn't made any impact on my depression. If anything I was doing better before I started treatment. I wonder if it has to do with the stress of waking up at a decent time every day, leaving the comfort of my home every day, and having to converse with people face to face every day. Can a difference really be made in only 9 more sessions?? God, I sure hope so.

Ow, My Heart.

Today I discovered a website called deviantart.com while looking at pieces from a local artist. After I was finished looking at her beautiful work, I wanted to browse this new [to me] website. I located the search bar, and typed in the first thing I thought of: depression.

After seeing a few powerful images, I came across this prose describing a day with depression. Reading it sent tears down my face. Can you say SPOT ON?

"...You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.

Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.

Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.

Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.

Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight." - PIXIEJANE

Vlog Monday #9

Today I have a very special guest - Danielle Dore :)

Vlog Monday #8

If you are a new member of my blog, this video recap will bring you up to date :)

TMS Therapy Day 5

Yesterday was good. I worked out, did my video on time, went for a walk with my friend, and overall my energy level felt normal-ish.

Today is the opposite. I even went in for my treatment with pajamas on. Since I got home my body has been parked in our bed. Maybe the weather has some role in this? Yesterday was perfect weather. Not too warm, and not too cold. Today is gloomy and wet.

TMS is becoming easier, and finally beginning to feel routine. Today wasn’t so bad. I watched some of the movie Blue Crush. I’m beginning to tell when the treatment is almost over because of this overwhelming burning sensation in my left nostril. The magnetic coil is also placed on the left side of my head, so I wonder if that attributes to it. Breathing through the pulses is becoming much easier as well, and I’m also able to keep my eyes open through it a little better.

Here are some photos my husband took yesterday before I started. We are waiting for written consent from Neurostar to record some of my treatment being done.

Why yes, that is a Rambo tee.

P90X 60 Day Weigh-In

Technically, it's my P90X 59 day weigh-in. But tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and I'm just too anxious to wait any longer! As you can see in my last blog entry, I only worked out an average of every other day. This means I didn't work as hard as phase one, and I knew this would mean my results wouldn't be as drastic.

But nonetheless, there is change. Once again, I could have sworn that my body would look exactly the same! Even though the difference isn't big, it's still exciting to see my body go through this transformation. Slowly but surely, I'm on my way to being in tip top shape.

After First TMS Appointment

*DEEP BREATH* Whew!

I'm so glad that's over. Right after I blogged earlier  about how I was a nasty mess, I took the quickest shower in the history of Debra. I even blow-dried my hair. It was my little Wednesday victory. The first day always takes the longest, due to having to adjust the machine to my body and finding the correct spot in my brain that controls mood. That part wasn't bad at all. What wasn't fun was getting the treatment itself.

The feeling is so hard to explain, but I'll try my best. It feels as though a dull metal rod is tapping hard against my soft brain, with the pain extending from the point of penetration down to the roof of my mouth. The magnetic stimulations are the fast tappings that happen for a short time, and then I get a short brake. This repeats for 37 minutes.

Towards the end of the session, the area on my head where the coil was placed felt like it was very heated. When I mentioned this, my husband took a photo while I was still sitting in the chair after the procedure was over.

The red spot on my head is where the coil was placed. We asked my doctor if we could record one of my sessions, and he has to get permission from Neurostar. As soon as we have the green light, I'll post a video on here so you can see what it's like.
See my red nose? I was literally crying the entire time. Not so much because of the pain, but because my emotions were just out of whack. My anxiety was really high. One of the staff members kept bringing me fresh tissues. She was so sweet. Everyone was. I don't think I could have chosen a better group of people to help me through this process.
Well, I have one day under my belt. I have a headache, but it's not too bad. Now I go in Monday through Friday for 6 weeks. The only way I'm going to get through the remaining 29 sessions is by taking it one day at a time.