Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.

After First TMS Appointment

*DEEP BREATH* Whew!

I'm so glad that's over. Right after I blogged earlier  about how I was a nasty mess, I took the quickest shower in the history of Debra. I even blow-dried my hair. It was my little Wednesday victory. The first day always takes the longest, due to having to adjust the machine to my body and finding the correct spot in my brain that controls mood. That part wasn't bad at all. What wasn't fun was getting the treatment itself.

The feeling is so hard to explain, but I'll try my best. It feels as though a dull metal rod is tapping hard against my soft brain, with the pain extending from the point of penetration down to the roof of my mouth. The magnetic stimulations are the fast tappings that happen for a short time, and then I get a short brake. This repeats for 37 minutes.

Towards the end of the session, the area on my head where the coil was placed felt like it was very heated. When I mentioned this, my husband took a photo while I was still sitting in the chair after the procedure was over.

The red spot on my head is where the coil was placed. We asked my doctor if we could record one of my sessions, and he has to get permission from Neurostar. As soon as we have the green light, I'll post a video on here so you can see what it's like.
See my red nose? I was literally crying the entire time. Not so much because of the pain, but because my emotions were just out of whack. My anxiety was really high. One of the staff members kept bringing me fresh tissues. She was so sweet. Everyone was. I don't think I could have chosen a better group of people to help me through this process.
Well, I have one day under my belt. I have a headache, but it's not too bad. Now I go in Monday through Friday for 6 weeks. The only way I'm going to get through the remaining 29 sessions is by taking it one day at a time.

Vlog Monday

TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

Yesterday while talking to my doctor about how my medication isn't helping, she brought up what sounded like a crazy futuristic and fictional therapy. At first I kind of laughed out the word "What?!" She began to explain what is called TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation; a non-invasive method that stimulates and redirects neurons in the brain by using magnetic currents. My doctor then went on to say they just began this treatment in their clinic last Wednesday, and of the 3 patients who are doing this, one already feels better. As soon as she said that, I told her I wanted to know more.

A TMS specialist was called into the office, and we set up an appointment with her for next Wednesday to talk more about this procedure, and to decide if it was right for me. My husband and I went home, not able to stop thinking about this mystical cure for depression. It sounds too good to be true, but after 6 years of suffering, I'm willing to try anything.

When I got home I decided to do my own research, since I'm not patient enough to wait until next week to know more about TMS. We found this video from Dr. Oz that just aired on Wednesday. Around minute 3 in this video, a volunteer patient begins talking about her experience with TMS. When she mentioned what her son had said, I began sobbing. All I want is to be myself again. I miss Debra!!! I don't care how much this costs, I'll do whatever it takes to  be able to live life to the fullest again.

 

 

This video is amazing. Check it out for yourself :)

Anxiety Up The Wazoo

Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I felt that if I saw or spoke to anyone I would burst out in tears. On my way to my friend's house to drop something off, I began to ask myself a series of questions that sometimes helps.
* Am I going to die? No.
* Am I being forced to do something I don't want to? No.
* Did someone say something hurtful to me? No.
* Is something bad about to happen? No.
Seriously, why did I feel like crying? I was going to a bunco party but ended up canceling because my anxiety was getting out of control. But even after I knew I didn't have to go, I still felt like crying uncontrollably. It never makes sense. Anxiety never does. I'm glad I was driving, because when I do I am able to see God's amazing artwork that surrounds me where I live.

Redding is beautiful. When I moved here, I didn't plan to stay long, but now I never want to leave. Seeing the snow covered mountains that ascend from dark to light colors are a breathtaking view that even after 5 years, I do not take for granted.

View of Mt. Shasta

Sundial Bridge

And my favorite - Whiskeytown Lake <3

Even at this moment though, I still have anxiety. Some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't worked out in two days. In my defense (against my own mind) I am menstruating. Now remember I hardly have any energy to begin with. So for the past two days I have been sleeping. Being awake hurts. It doesn't help that my father-in-law brought home more deliciousness.

Someone please tell my father-in-law to hide his stash in his room. Please.

See what I'm dealing with here? Months ago he bought criss-cut fries in bulk, and those are so easy to pop in the air cooker. Why is eating healthy so hard? Why is sugar so addicting? This fitness journey is getting harder by the day. And I have to admit, that the beautiful orange square on the 29th of February was filled in before I worked out. I had every intention to do Kenpo X. Honest. My body hasn't done any working out since Monday. Ugh. It does NOT feel good. Tony I miss you. Energy needs to come in a magic pill that I can take once and I'll forever be an energizer bunny. Please pray for me.

Because You're Kicking Ass

I'm no Average Joe that just started working out. My body has been slowly deteriorating from being in bed so often, bound there by my severe depression.
Today while doing day 6 of P90X (Kenpo X) I just wanted to quit. There was no energy in the first place to workout, let alone crawl out of bed. But my husband began P90X in the living room, and I knew I just had to get it done.
After I finshed changing into workout clothes, I set up shop in the office. Minute 45 came up, and I wanted to quit, but gave it 5 more minutes. Minute 29 came and I wanted to quit again, but I gave it 5 more minutes. By the time I reached minute 15, I knew I had to finish. And I did. The minute Tony faded into black on the screen I began sobbing. It was one of those really good cries that needed to be let out. I went to the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face and went to the kitchen for a protein drink. My husband saw me, dropped what he was doing and came to me.
Husband: "Are you ok?"
Me: "I don't know... I don't even know why I'm crying," (still crying)
Husband: "Wanna know why you're crying?"
Me: "I don't know.... why?"
Husband: "Because you're kicking ass."