TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

Yesterday while talking to my doctor about how my medication isn't helping, she brought up what sounded like a crazy futuristic and fictional therapy. At first I kind of laughed out the word "What?!" She began to explain what is called TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation; a non-invasive method that stimulates and redirects neurons in the brain by using magnetic currents. My doctor then went on to say they just began this treatment in their clinic last Wednesday, and of the 3 patients who are doing this, one already feels better. As soon as she said that, I told her I wanted to know more.

A TMS specialist was called into the office, and we set up an appointment with her for next Wednesday to talk more about this procedure, and to decide if it was right for me. My husband and I went home, not able to stop thinking about this mystical cure for depression. It sounds too good to be true, but after 6 years of suffering, I'm willing to try anything.

When I got home I decided to do my own research, since I'm not patient enough to wait until next week to know more about TMS. We found this video from Dr. Oz that just aired on Wednesday. Around minute 3 in this video, a volunteer patient begins talking about her experience with TMS. When she mentioned what her son had said, I began sobbing. All I want is to be myself again. I miss Debra!!! I don't care how much this costs, I'll do whatever it takes to  be able to live life to the fullest again.

 

 

This video is amazing. Check it out for yourself :)

Vlog Monday

My favorite one so far. Watch to see why ;)

Goosfraba... Goosfraba...

We all get upset, and even experience anger from time to time. Each individual expresses these emotions in their own way. Some people yell, some don't say anything, and others shut down. When I get angry, I cry.
Because of my depression, I can't hold a steady job. My unstable emotions make me unreliable, even with medication. Therefore, my husband is the only source of income. He is a full time Christian Counseling student and works a part time job. As you can imagine, this is not enough income for us to live on our own. Thankfully, my in-laws are amazing people who graciously let us stay with them.
My husband is wonderful. I mean the best I could have found. He takes care of me, washes our clothes, helps take care of our 4 pets, studies every day, reads endlessly, works with children on a daily basis, works out, finds time for his friends and family, and is so patient with me. This guy has a stressful life, but still remains so calm and encourages me all the time. He always brings me up when I am down, tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and never ceases to make me laugh (even in the midst of my breakdowns). He's talented to be able to juggle all these things and deal with a spouse who has severe clinical depression.
Now there are a few people who have a problem with me living with my in-laws and blames my husband for not being a good provider. Today could have easily been a horrific day for me, and maybe even the next few weeks could have been ruined too. I base this off of my past experiences. When these people say things to me to bring me down, it works, and I shut down. These people mean so much to me, and to hear negative things come out of their mouths kills me. My bed becomes my new home and I question over and over why. I don't take showers or take care of myself. For a short time, I die inside.

Not today.

Today I took the high road. I am better than those who have nothing better to do than think of minuscule things and blow them out of proportion to have a reason to argue and hate against me and those I love dearly. Instead I shed a brief tear, tore up the punching bag the best I knew how and exercised for the next hour and 45 minutes. I never had so much fun working out than I did today.

This is the last time I mention you, or even spend my time thinking about you. You are such a negative influence in my life and only bring me down. I love you both and wish you the best of luck with the remainder of your years.

"But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!" - Isaiah 54:17 NLT"

It's a War?

There is a confession I must make: I haven't been sticking to my processed-free diet. What I'm finding is that this challenge is extremely expensive. Funds are already tight, and I have no self-control. My husband and I live with his parents, so I can't simply rid the pantry and fridge of what I don't want to eat. My father-in-law is from Alabama, so his taste buds are deeply rooted in a steak-n-potatoes kind of food habit. And his deliciously sinful junk food cravings drive me insane. Like I said, I have no self-control.
Last week I missed Seroquel XR for about 3 days. I kept holding out, waiting for my doctor's office to get more samples in before the weekend. But I ended up having to shell out $25 to get 4 pills to last me until Monday. Turns out that for the most part, my mood was better. I haven't been irritated at all like I have been feeling for a while. It's been a nice vacation from Get-Out-Of-My-Face Land. So I lowered my dose from 100mg to 50mg. I'm not sleeping as well, but my mood is improving.
There was one day though that I was more depressed than normal. It was one of those nights that you can't fall asleep because everything within is burning and you want to jump out of your skin and scream at the top of your lungs. While on a trip to the louvre that night at 2am, I played the electronic game of 20 Questions. What I tried to get it to guess was the word "sorrow" (gloomy, I know), and this is what it guessed:

Close enough little game... close enough. What I am going through really is a violent war inside myself, against myself. I am constantly having to remind myself of the good things in my life. Depression is a dark mask that covers all the splendor in life. I know my life is good, even easier than most because I don't have children or a full time job, but depression dims everything. It makes me feel sad and lonely in the midst of a family full of big hearts.

The chemical imbalance of depression is a dangerous one if not treated. I know there is hope for me, and I'm fighting every day because I see that tiny glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. Some days I feel it, and those little moments of being free again encourage me to keep going for another day.

One of those little moments occurs every morning in bed, with the shades pulled back, sunlight pouring in, my husband greeting me with the warmest smile I've ever seen and a soft kiss on my lips. Most days this includes a perfectly warm cup of dark coffee. My journey would not be possible without this handsome charming man. He encourages me, always holds me when I'm down and never lets me wallow in my sorrow. He saves on a daily basis. This man is my incredible husband. I love you with all my heart, Matthew Drake.