Baby Steps, Baby.

When I was a teen, my dad said something to me that stuck like glue. “If you want something bad enough, you’ll work hard enough to get it.” I can’t even tell you how many goals this saying has helped me achieve.

So here is another goal, that my willpower is going to get me through to the end: Eat healthy for 30 days (September 20th). Since working out isn’t quite an option just yet for me, I’ll begin from the inside out.

This morning I’ve already started off right with a spinach, strawberry, blueberry and orange juice smoothie. My MIL and I made pre-packaged portions of these fruits and veggies for our freezer, so we are set for mornings. Later this morning at 10am, my husband and I are meeting with a friend for breakfast, and I’ve made a plan to order a fruit bowl. I know I can do this.

 

Baby steps, baby.

 

 

Oh, The Guilt

I can’t express how BADLY I want to be working out. My body yearns for it. What sucks is there is nothing I can do. This mono on top of my severe depression and anxiety just knocks me out. Since last night my desire to be doing P90X has been a burning flame within. How am I supposed to workout when I can hardly stay awake? Sitting at the computer being awake is painful enough. There has got to be a way.

Since my energy has been non-existent, my diet has been horrible. Not only am I self medicating with sugar, I haven’t been conscious at all about what I eat. My poor eating habits make me even more depressed. Not only is this simple guilt, but bad eating habits cause chemical reactions with your brain to cause poor mood.

Agh. Pray for me to have the willpower to eat better food, and to take better care of my body once again. I want to make myself proud, and right now, I’m the furthest thing from it.

It's a War?

There is a confession I must make: I haven't been sticking to my processed-free diet. What I'm finding is that this challenge is extremely expensive. Funds are already tight, and I have no self-control. My husband and I live with his parents, so I can't simply rid the pantry and fridge of what I don't want to eat. My father-in-law is from Alabama, so his taste buds are deeply rooted in a steak-n-potatoes kind of food habit. And his deliciously sinful junk food cravings drive me insane. Like I said, I have no self-control.
Last week I missed Seroquel XR for about 3 days. I kept holding out, waiting for my doctor's office to get more samples in before the weekend. But I ended up having to shell out $25 to get 4 pills to last me until Monday. Turns out that for the most part, my mood was better. I haven't been irritated at all like I have been feeling for a while. It's been a nice vacation from Get-Out-Of-My-Face Land. So I lowered my dose from 100mg to 50mg. I'm not sleeping as well, but my mood is improving.
There was one day though that I was more depressed than normal. It was one of those nights that you can't fall asleep because everything within is burning and you want to jump out of your skin and scream at the top of your lungs. While on a trip to the louvre that night at 2am, I played the electronic game of 20 Questions. What I tried to get it to guess was the word "sorrow" (gloomy, I know), and this is what it guessed:

Close enough little game... close enough. What I am going through really is a violent war inside myself, against myself. I am constantly having to remind myself of the good things in my life. Depression is a dark mask that covers all the splendor in life. I know my life is good, even easier than most because I don't have children or a full time job, but depression dims everything. It makes me feel sad and lonely in the midst of a family full of big hearts.

The chemical imbalance of depression is a dangerous one if not treated. I know there is hope for me, and I'm fighting every day because I see that tiny glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. Some days I feel it, and those little moments of being free again encourage me to keep going for another day.

One of those little moments occurs every morning in bed, with the shades pulled back, sunlight pouring in, my husband greeting me with the warmest smile I've ever seen and a soft kiss on my lips. Most days this includes a perfectly warm cup of dark coffee. My journey would not be possible without this handsome charming man. He encourages me, always holds me when I'm down and never lets me wallow in my sorrow. He saves on a daily basis. This man is my incredible husband. I love you with all my heart, Matthew Drake.

Understanding Protein

Here is an informative video that helped me understand how protein works with and affects our bodies. Once you watch the video, you can use this protein calculator to see how much protein your body needs on a daily basis. By the way, my body smells like a sweaty mess from working out today. I'm one happy girl.