Happy 2013!

Happy Halloween!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Merry Christmas!
Happy 2013!

Since August, I've tried even more medications, none of which have helped any of my symptoms of severe fatigue, Mono, Major Depression and anxiety. At the beginning of December I hit a wall. My doctors are stumped and don't know what else to do for me.

Something within me changed. It was pretty drastic too. It was time to start eating clean and take matters into my own hands if I was ever going to heal my body of all its problems. Since then I have beat my sugar addiction (something I swear would have never happened), cut out two medications and have reduced my Major Depression by about 50%.

Those are huge victories. And they happened in 6 weeks.

The same day I began eating clean, I started P90X again. Today was day 40, and I'm doing even better with staying on track this time than before. I'm running out of options, so staying serious about getting my body in the best shape possible is very important. It's the only way I'll ever beat these health problems that have invaded my life.

Baby Steps, Baby.

When I was a teen, my dad said something to me that stuck like glue. “If you want something bad enough, you’ll work hard enough to get it.” I can’t even tell you how many goals this saying has helped me achieve.

So here is another goal, that my willpower is going to get me through to the end: Eat healthy for 30 days (September 20th). Since working out isn’t quite an option just yet for me, I’ll begin from the inside out.

This morning I’ve already started off right with a spinach, strawberry, blueberry and orange juice smoothie. My MIL and I made pre-packaged portions of these fruits and veggies for our freezer, so we are set for mornings. Later this morning at 10am, my husband and I are meeting with a friend for breakfast, and I’ve made a plan to order a fruit bowl. I know I can do this.

 

Baby steps, baby.

 

 

This Past Week I...

With the weather going from the mid 50's straight to low 90's within a week, it feels as though our summer has arrived a wee bit early. No complaints here, minus the fact we don't have an air conditioner. Oi Vei.

My one week absence on my blog is contributed to two things. One: I haven't been working out. Two: I have been depressed. I'd say that I'm feeling more depressed than usual, but I'm finding myself having that thought more often than not. Needless to say, I'm pretty dang depressed over here.

With my lower than low mood, my eating habits have been quite shameful. For a little over a week now, I have been binge eating. This makes me feel more depressed and turning to food once again to bury the guilt of over eating. What a nasty cycle. My husband and I have teamed up to stop this habit. Today is the first day in over a week that I don't feel sickeningly full. Thank you, God.

Because of my fall backs, I have decided to re-start phase 3 of P90X. The first week went okay, but this week (week 10) was a dud. With summer practically here and our low budget, I need to be able to fit into my summer clothes, or I will spend an entire season sucking in my stomach and pulling down the legs of my shorts just to be some-what comfortable.

In the midst of my bloated and depressed self, my friend, Danielle, and I took Toby on his first hike to Whiskeytown Falls. Honestly, I thought that because of P90X that the steep hike would be easier. Ha! Even though is was my 4th time doing this hike, it was still quite a challenge. Danielle and I huffed and puffed the entire way up, following behind my little dog who ran up the entire way. As a result of our 2 hour hike, Toby became our newest inspiration, and we have dubbed ourselves "Sweat Sisters".

Today I made a promise to myself that I will not step on the scale until June 1st. What I really want is to never step on a scale again, but the only way for me to succeed is baby steps.

It's refreshing to be able to be honest on my blog about my pitfalls. I'm only human, and so are you. All we can do is our very best, and not hold ourselves to some ridiculous standard that we know we might never achieve. That would only be a suicide mission. And over here in the real world, we want to be able to say "mission accomplished".

P.S. Happy 50th blog post, Deb's Fitness Journey! 

Vlog Monday #8

If you are a new member of my blog, this video recap will bring you up to date :)

Easter Pity Party

Most commercials that I have seen lately suck, but there are definitely a few that make me laugh. You may have seen the Geico commercial about a man who can't afford to join a weight loss program, so he hires three middle school girls who watch his every move and famously say "Ew. Seriously? So gross."

Well, those are my exact thoughts when it comes to vegetables. I hate 'em. For as long as I can remember, I have been a picky eater. Even to this day I'll avoid serving myself a scoop of vegetables to go with my salmon or baked chicken. For about a week now I have been making smoothies, trying to sneak whatever veggies in there I can. You could literally throw a fresh cat turd in the blender, serve me a glass, and I my response would still be "Mmm! Vegetables!".

This method of "plug-nose-and-chug" is way easier than confronting a mighty mound of carrots and spinach on my plate knowing it must be eaten. Even though my depression is still the same, my body does feel different. It feels cleaner, and less bloated. I'm slowly getting closer to the mindset that food is fuel, which is something I desire very deeply to have engraved forever in my brain.

What I am struggling with this Easter season, however, is candy. It's gorgeous. The colorful foil wrappers and cute chocolate bunnies that have an entire isle of their own in every grocery store. Easter has always been a celebration of Jesus' resurrection, but deep down inside, I look forward to the sinful treats that I get to stuff my face with until I'm sick. Today I was having a pity party, to the point of tears.

I was nearly crying over the fact that I can't over-indulge in candy this year, or maybe ever again.

Seriously.

This sugar addiction has got to stop! I don't want to be emotional over the fact that over-consuming gooey chocolately Cadburry eggs is wrong. Honestly, when I think about never eating another dessert again, I feel like life wouldn't have the same quality, and that celebrations won't be as joyous. Why does restricting junk food feel like I'm restricting my life? Why does sugar have this much power over my emotions? Have I always had this problem?

Wow. I need help.

I Can't Stop Thinking About Food!

Vlog Monday

Yay! It's here!

Anxiety Up The Wazoo

Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I felt that if I saw or spoke to anyone I would burst out in tears. On my way to my friend's house to drop something off, I began to ask myself a series of questions that sometimes helps.
* Am I going to die? No.
* Am I being forced to do something I don't want to? No.
* Did someone say something hurtful to me? No.
* Is something bad about to happen? No.
Seriously, why did I feel like crying? I was going to a bunco party but ended up canceling because my anxiety was getting out of control. But even after I knew I didn't have to go, I still felt like crying uncontrollably. It never makes sense. Anxiety never does. I'm glad I was driving, because when I do I am able to see God's amazing artwork that surrounds me where I live.

Redding is beautiful. When I moved here, I didn't plan to stay long, but now I never want to leave. Seeing the snow covered mountains that ascend from dark to light colors are a breathtaking view that even after 5 years, I do not take for granted.

View of Mt. Shasta

Sundial Bridge

And my favorite - Whiskeytown Lake <3

Even at this moment though, I still have anxiety. Some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't worked out in two days. In my defense (against my own mind) I am menstruating. Now remember I hardly have any energy to begin with. So for the past two days I have been sleeping. Being awake hurts. It doesn't help that my father-in-law brought home more deliciousness.

Someone please tell my father-in-law to hide his stash in his room. Please.

See what I'm dealing with here? Months ago he bought criss-cut fries in bulk, and those are so easy to pop in the air cooker. Why is eating healthy so hard? Why is sugar so addicting? This fitness journey is getting harder by the day. And I have to admit, that the beautiful orange square on the 29th of February was filled in before I worked out. I had every intention to do Kenpo X. Honest. My body hasn't done any working out since Monday. Ugh. It does NOT feel good. Tony I miss you. Energy needs to come in a magic pill that I can take once and I'll forever be an energizer bunny. Please pray for me.

It's a War?

There is a confession I must make: I haven't been sticking to my processed-free diet. What I'm finding is that this challenge is extremely expensive. Funds are already tight, and I have no self-control. My husband and I live with his parents, so I can't simply rid the pantry and fridge of what I don't want to eat. My father-in-law is from Alabama, so his taste buds are deeply rooted in a steak-n-potatoes kind of food habit. And his deliciously sinful junk food cravings drive me insane. Like I said, I have no self-control.
Last week I missed Seroquel XR for about 3 days. I kept holding out, waiting for my doctor's office to get more samples in before the weekend. But I ended up having to shell out $25 to get 4 pills to last me until Monday. Turns out that for the most part, my mood was better. I haven't been irritated at all like I have been feeling for a while. It's been a nice vacation from Get-Out-Of-My-Face Land. So I lowered my dose from 100mg to 50mg. I'm not sleeping as well, but my mood is improving.
There was one day though that I was more depressed than normal. It was one of those nights that you can't fall asleep because everything within is burning and you want to jump out of your skin and scream at the top of your lungs. While on a trip to the louvre that night at 2am, I played the electronic game of 20 Questions. What I tried to get it to guess was the word "sorrow" (gloomy, I know), and this is what it guessed:

Close enough little game... close enough. What I am going through really is a violent war inside myself, against myself. I am constantly having to remind myself of the good things in my life. Depression is a dark mask that covers all the splendor in life. I know my life is good, even easier than most because I don't have children or a full time job, but depression dims everything. It makes me feel sad and lonely in the midst of a family full of big hearts.

The chemical imbalance of depression is a dangerous one if not treated. I know there is hope for me, and I'm fighting every day because I see that tiny glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. Some days I feel it, and those little moments of being free again encourage me to keep going for another day.

One of those little moments occurs every morning in bed, with the shades pulled back, sunlight pouring in, my husband greeting me with the warmest smile I've ever seen and a soft kiss on my lips. Most days this includes a perfectly warm cup of dark coffee. My journey would not be possible without this handsome charming man. He encourages me, always holds me when I'm down and never lets me wallow in my sorrow. He saves on a daily basis. This man is my incredible husband. I love you with all my heart, Matthew Drake.

The Bad. And the Ugly

What's wrong with me?! I feel so ashamed. There's no way I'm the only one who has done this and regretted it even before it was done. Or am I? My blog is here to hold myself accountable, and to help others who are struggling through the same things as me. Today is only one day, but with one big mistake.
Yesterday I started the 3 day Shakeology cleanse. It has been rough. Not being able to use food as my comfort like I did before my journey has proven extremely difficult for me. Extremely difficult. Today is day 2 of my cleanse, and I blew it in 20 minutes. I just couldn't take it any more. A crunchy bag of beef Ramen, a handful of Hershey Kisses, and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. In that order. Now remember, I'm lactose intolerant, so I can't even digest dairy. My body immediately rejects it; thankfully back the way it came in. But did I really just consume those things in that sequence to my advantage? It's shameful to admit, but if I'm really honest with myself, I think yes.
Don't get me wrong. Thankfully I've never struggled with anorexia or bulimia. But today? Why today? Guilt has entirely consumed me. Do I really not have any self control that I can't fully commit to a three day cleanse? Really, Debra?? Am I really that weak of a person? Or is this just a weak moment? I haven't even done Yoga X yet, and it's already 5pm. I just want to sleep. My bed is sucking me in. Is this the crash that I mentioned? God please don't let me crash, I have been doing so well! If anyone is reading, today is one of those days I could really use prayer.

P90X Day 8 - Triumphs & Challenges

First, my challenge: not eating too many sweets. I'm a sweetaholic. Cookies and chocolate are my vice. Without these in my diet, I've been having major withdrawals. Unfortunately, today I indulged maybe just a little too much. That included three sugar-free bite-sized caramel chocolates, two little squares of raw sugar cookie dough and a handful of crackers (Trader Joe's fiber crackers I might add). My husband's after school program is having a cookie decorating party tomorrow for Valentine's Day, and I may have offered to bake the prepackaged cookies for sinful and selfish reasons. This indulgence might seem innocent, but boy am I bloated and feeling guilty!

On top of this, I've gained two pounds. I can't imagine it's muscle, because muscle doesn't bulge out of your belly. Today was my first day taking Shakeology, and I'm thinking that my body is reacting to the whey since I'm lactose intolerant. We all know what comes with being bloated. Gross, I know.
Now for my triumphs! First of all, I completed week one of P90X! Before day one, I was so intimidated of the workouts. The people who do this workout are ripped out of their minds! But Tony says to do my best, and that I do. I look forward to my daily workout now. It has become an addiction.
Second, I'm onto bigger weights! I went from 5 pound dumbbells to 10 pound ones. That makes me so excited! My body feels a little stronger. I see my body's changes in photos but not in the mirror, who is still not my friend. So far, I'm glad I started P90X. Working out is totally proving to be mind over matter.

My Favorite Lunch

Here's a short video I made on how to make my favorite lunch that I have been eating practically every day! This specific wrap was made for my husband. Personally, I'm not a fan of peppers or mustard, and I can't have cream cheese or pepper jack (lactose intolerant). I'd love to hear about your favorite lunches. Enjoy!

P.S. I'm a picky eater. I don't like carrots, but with them shredded and put into the wrap, I don't notice them except for an added fun crunch. The same with the cucumbers; I hate them. But my mother-in-law introduced me to Persian Cucumbers, and when those are sliced very thin, they add a very fresh taste to the wrap. Adding raw spinach is also tasteless, and very good for you!