Before First TMS Appointment

My very first TMS appointment is in less than an hour. My hair is greasy, my PJ's are still on, I haven't showered in two days, and I'm quite an emotional mess. Why am I freaking out so badly over this? Okay, that's a stupid question, because I know exactly why.

I'm afraid this won't work.

My mind is filled with all these "what-ifs". What if it hurts too bad? What if I get there and I can't stop crying? What if I can't make it in every day for 6 weeks? What if this is a big waste of money?

God, my all-powerful, almighty heavenly father, who created the heavens and the earth, who created ME, you can do ANTYHING. Nothing is too great of a task for you. I'm asking you to please let all these fears of mine vanish. Please don't let them control me. You have made it possible to do this treatment, and I'm trusting that you won't let this treatment go in vain. Please, God. Please comfort me right now. Hold me in your arms. I need you so badly.

Amen.

Lent and Weight Gain

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. Honestly, I would not have known this if I hadn't come across another blog about someone else's journey towards fitness. Never have I participated in Lent; it didn't seem necessary since I'm not Catholic. But TSunshine inspired me. It can't be denied that my focus on God has greatly diminished since I began my fitness journey. I've decided to give up processed foods until April 6th - Good Friday.  I'm finding that sacrifice to be quite ambitious now that I'm one day in. Yesterday was a huge success until I had ice cream! Oops. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up. So far in the last 12 hours I've read my Bible more than I have in a month! Boy that sounds depressing, but it's progress.

Since my tiny victory of losing 6.8 pounds, I have gained most of it back. It's heartbreaking. I keep telling myself it's not about the scale. But as a female, those three tiny numbers have crept their way to the control center of my brain. They gotta move out. PRONTO. Especially with my depression, it's easier for me to dwell on the little things. What does feel good, is the fact that my pants fit me again. They aren't tight like they used to be back in January. *little dance*

Today is day 18/90 for P90X. The first time I did Yoga X I only lasted 45 minutes. Last Thursday I didn't even do it because I was so depressed my body literally couldn't get out of bed. This is the day I complete the 90 minute session. Maybe my mom will do it with me. (Feb 26 UPDATE- I didn't do Yoga X. Thankfully I'm not beating myself up over it.)

Speaking of my mom, I'm finding that the days I see her are better ones. About a month ago, she moved to the same town as me. Before then she had always been at least 5 hours away. She's my best friend, and being away from your best friend for months at a time, especially your mom, is the worst. Yesterday she went to Walgreens while I was doing P90X, and brought me back a recipe book titled Glycemic Index Cookbook. She's awesome, minus the Girl Scout cookies that live in her pantry.

The Bad. And the Ugly

What's wrong with me?! I feel so ashamed. There's no way I'm the only one who has done this and regretted it even before it was done. Or am I? My blog is here to hold myself accountable, and to help others who are struggling through the same things as me. Today is only one day, but with one big mistake.
Yesterday I started the 3 day Shakeology cleanse. It has been rough. Not being able to use food as my comfort like I did before my journey has proven extremely difficult for me. Extremely difficult. Today is day 2 of my cleanse, and I blew it in 20 minutes. I just couldn't take it any more. A crunchy bag of beef Ramen, a handful of Hershey Kisses, and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. In that order. Now remember, I'm lactose intolerant, so I can't even digest dairy. My body immediately rejects it; thankfully back the way it came in. But did I really just consume those things in that sequence to my advantage? It's shameful to admit, but if I'm really honest with myself, I think yes.
Don't get me wrong. Thankfully I've never struggled with anorexia or bulimia. But today? Why today? Guilt has entirely consumed me. Do I really not have any self control that I can't fully commit to a three day cleanse? Really, Debra?? Am I really that weak of a person? Or is this just a weak moment? I haven't even done Yoga X yet, and it's already 5pm. I just want to sleep. My bed is sucking me in. Is this the crash that I mentioned? God please don't let me crash, I have been doing so well! If anyone is reading, today is one of those days I could really use prayer.

Aha!

Last night while doing what I do best (pinteresting), I came across the fact that fiber makes you feel full longer. My diet hardly includes an ounce of fiber, and considering my endless pit of a stomach recently, I decided to give fiber a try. So this morning, while filling my fancy shmancy Total Nutrition shaker with my Alkalizing Fuel (on day 2 now), I added a tablespoon of Citrucel to it that we happened to have in the cabinet. Usually I can finish my cup of oatmeal, but this morning I couldn't even finish half of it. That once forgotten feeling of a full stomach came back, and I was thrilled. Aside from the large mug of ice cream that I just finished consuming, my day was not spent shoving my face with crackers. It feels so good to have a normal appetite! It's something I took for granted. Never again.

Aside from my blunder of the sweet, creamy, comforting taste of 12 ounces of ice cream (boy that sounds like a lot! but it's only 1.5 cups... only) I took my dog for a walk. My poor 7.5 month old puppy has only gone on about 10 walks. We kept up a good pace, and I made sure we didn't come back home until we had walked for a total of 30 minutes. It was a sweet victory within a dark and gloomy week for me, especially since yesterday was spent in my bed. Eating animal crackers.

Toby on our walk today

My medicine doesn't seem to be doing its job anymore. My doctor has me at 150mg of Seroquel XR now. The first week of taking 100mg was amazing. It was wonderful being myself again for the first time in nearly 6 years. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. God is my only hope.