Anxiety & Traveling

As I type, I am sitting at my sister-in-law's kitchen table. Yesterday was my husband's and my four year wedding anniversary, and we decided to leave Redding for the weekend.

Usually when I'm on the freeway, I have major anxiety and panic attacks. These horrible episodes have been taking place for a few years now. I'm not too sure when it really started or what may have triggered the fear of long traveling on the freeway, but it was inhibited my ability to leave Redding. This trip wasn't too bad though. I still had anxiety on the freeway, but not the blacking-out-kind-of-anxiety that I've had on previous trips.

Not fearing for my life every minute on the highway has been a relief. I did have some anxiety at certain points in the drive, but overall I'd say my anxiety level was at a 5 (10 being at its worst).

Freeway anxiety is only one aspect of my annoying emotional problems while traveling. There is a birthday party on Sunday that I'm going to where I'll be able to see my sister and old friends  that I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. As you can imagine, I'm beyond thrilled to see everyone, but if you're an avid reader of my blog, you'll know I get major anxiety in groups of people. I haven't had any anxiety about this party for weeks up until a few days ago. Now I'm still going, but I am so happy that my loving husband will be there with me just in case my anxiety gets the best of me.

Until then, I'll continue to pray. Anxiety - bite the dust! I will NOT let you ruin my vaca!

Matthew & I in Old Sacramento

Eating at Fat City Bar & Grill in Old Sac

TMS Therapy Day 29

Hey everyone. Here is a vlog updating you on my TMS sessions to date.

Vlog Monday #9

Today I have a very special guest - Danielle Dore :)

Before First TMS Appointment

My very first TMS appointment is in less than an hour. My hair is greasy, my PJ's are still on, I haven't showered in two days, and I'm quite an emotional mess. Why am I freaking out so badly over this? Okay, that's a stupid question, because I know exactly why.

I'm afraid this won't work.

My mind is filled with all these "what-ifs". What if it hurts too bad? What if I get there and I can't stop crying? What if I can't make it in every day for 6 weeks? What if this is a big waste of money?

God, my all-powerful, almighty heavenly father, who created the heavens and the earth, who created ME, you can do ANTYHING. Nothing is too great of a task for you. I'm asking you to please let all these fears of mine vanish. Please don't let them control me. You have made it possible to do this treatment, and I'm trusting that you won't let this treatment go in vain. Please, God. Please comfort me right now. Hold me in your arms. I need you so badly.

Amen.

Anxiety Up The Wazoo

Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I felt that if I saw or spoke to anyone I would burst out in tears. On my way to my friend's house to drop something off, I began to ask myself a series of questions that sometimes helps.
* Am I going to die? No.
* Am I being forced to do something I don't want to? No.
* Did someone say something hurtful to me? No.
* Is something bad about to happen? No.
Seriously, why did I feel like crying? I was going to a bunco party but ended up canceling because my anxiety was getting out of control. But even after I knew I didn't have to go, I still felt like crying uncontrollably. It never makes sense. Anxiety never does. I'm glad I was driving, because when I do I am able to see God's amazing artwork that surrounds me where I live.

Redding is beautiful. When I moved here, I didn't plan to stay long, but now I never want to leave. Seeing the snow covered mountains that ascend from dark to light colors are a breathtaking view that even after 5 years, I do not take for granted.

View of Mt. Shasta

Sundial Bridge

And my favorite - Whiskeytown Lake <3

Even at this moment though, I still have anxiety. Some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't worked out in two days. In my defense (against my own mind) I am menstruating. Now remember I hardly have any energy to begin with. So for the past two days I have been sleeping. Being awake hurts. It doesn't help that my father-in-law brought home more deliciousness.

Someone please tell my father-in-law to hide his stash in his room. Please.

See what I'm dealing with here? Months ago he bought criss-cut fries in bulk, and those are so easy to pop in the air cooker. Why is eating healthy so hard? Why is sugar so addicting? This fitness journey is getting harder by the day. And I have to admit, that the beautiful orange square on the 29th of February was filled in before I worked out. I had every intention to do Kenpo X. Honest. My body hasn't done any working out since Monday. Ugh. It does NOT feel good. Tony I miss you. Energy needs to come in a magic pill that I can take once and I'll forever be an energizer bunny. Please pray for me.