Vlog Monday #8

If you are a new member of my blog, this video recap will bring you up to date :)

Easter Pity Party

Most commercials that I have seen lately suck, but there are definitely a few that make me laugh. You may have seen the Geico commercial about a man who can't afford to join a weight loss program, so he hires three middle school girls who watch his every move and famously say "Ew. Seriously? So gross."

Well, those are my exact thoughts when it comes to vegetables. I hate 'em. For as long as I can remember, I have been a picky eater. Even to this day I'll avoid serving myself a scoop of vegetables to go with my salmon or baked chicken. For about a week now I have been making smoothies, trying to sneak whatever veggies in there I can. You could literally throw a fresh cat turd in the blender, serve me a glass, and I my response would still be "Mmm! Vegetables!".

This method of "plug-nose-and-chug" is way easier than confronting a mighty mound of carrots and spinach on my plate knowing it must be eaten. Even though my depression is still the same, my body does feel different. It feels cleaner, and less bloated. I'm slowly getting closer to the mindset that food is fuel, which is something I desire very deeply to have engraved forever in my brain.

What I am struggling with this Easter season, however, is candy. It's gorgeous. The colorful foil wrappers and cute chocolate bunnies that have an entire isle of their own in every grocery store. Easter has always been a celebration of Jesus' resurrection, but deep down inside, I look forward to the sinful treats that I get to stuff my face with until I'm sick. Today I was having a pity party, to the point of tears.

I was nearly crying over the fact that I can't over-indulge in candy this year, or maybe ever again.

Seriously.

This sugar addiction has got to stop! I don't want to be emotional over the fact that over-consuming gooey chocolately Cadburry eggs is wrong. Honestly, when I think about never eating another dessert again, I feel like life wouldn't have the same quality, and that celebrations won't be as joyous. Why does restricting junk food feel like I'm restricting my life? Why does sugar have this much power over my emotions? Have I always had this problem?

Wow. I need help.

I Can't Stop Thinking About Food!

Anxiety Up The Wazoo

Today I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I felt that if I saw or spoke to anyone I would burst out in tears. On my way to my friend's house to drop something off, I began to ask myself a series of questions that sometimes helps.
* Am I going to die? No.
* Am I being forced to do something I don't want to? No.
* Did someone say something hurtful to me? No.
* Is something bad about to happen? No.
Seriously, why did I feel like crying? I was going to a bunco party but ended up canceling because my anxiety was getting out of control. But even after I knew I didn't have to go, I still felt like crying uncontrollably. It never makes sense. Anxiety never does. I'm glad I was driving, because when I do I am able to see God's amazing artwork that surrounds me where I live.

Redding is beautiful. When I moved here, I didn't plan to stay long, but now I never want to leave. Seeing the snow covered mountains that ascend from dark to light colors are a breathtaking view that even after 5 years, I do not take for granted.

View of Mt. Shasta

Sundial Bridge

And my favorite - Whiskeytown Lake <3

Even at this moment though, I still have anxiety. Some of it has to do with the fact that I haven't worked out in two days. In my defense (against my own mind) I am menstruating. Now remember I hardly have any energy to begin with. So for the past two days I have been sleeping. Being awake hurts. It doesn't help that my father-in-law brought home more deliciousness.

Someone please tell my father-in-law to hide his stash in his room. Please.

See what I'm dealing with here? Months ago he bought criss-cut fries in bulk, and those are so easy to pop in the air cooker. Why is eating healthy so hard? Why is sugar so addicting? This fitness journey is getting harder by the day. And I have to admit, that the beautiful orange square on the 29th of February was filled in before I worked out. I had every intention to do Kenpo X. Honest. My body hasn't done any working out since Monday. Ugh. It does NOT feel good. Tony I miss you. Energy needs to come in a magic pill that I can take once and I'll forever be an energizer bunny. Please pray for me.

Sweet Comfy Bed

Ahhhh. A sigh of relief escapes me as I finally get to sit in bed. Oh how I miss you, sweet bed. I have been pushing myself so hard to workout and I'm afraid I'm going to crash. What I miss the most is my comfort food that Seroquel XR makes me crave so strongly, and I'm doing everything I can not to give in. So what is there for comfort? I haven't been praying as often, or reading the Bible lately. I'm probably putting so much of my time, energy and focus into making sure I work out that I have completely forgotten to make time for what is most important: my relationship with God.

Yes, I'm a "Christian". I'm a proud follower and child of God. I strive to live a Christ-like life, and it isn't easy. Especially when depression gives you so many reasons to hate a God that would "allow" bad things to happen to good people. That's just how life here on earth is. It was meant to be a peaceful and evil free world until Adam and Eve first disobeyed God. But if it wasn't them, it would have been someone else. Humans are imperfect.
Anyway, amid my depression, I somehow did day 3 of P90X. Umm... how did that happen?? Sheer will, people. Sheer will. There was no energy or strength within me to do so. I'd like to think it's similar to the mother who lifted a car off her baby girl. You want it so bad that it somehow happens. Now that I'm finished with Tony, it's my sweet comfy bed. Oh how I've missed you so.

Not-So-Bad Monday

As I type, I'm munching on a "healthy" brownie. Sometime last year, My Aunt Lala told me about "black bean brownies". Immediately my face cringed. "That sounds gross," I told her. She insisted they were delicious and that you couldn't even taste the beans. So this evening I searched allrecipes.com for black bean brownies. There was only one recipe, and I tried it.

The brownies really aren't that bad. There is no flour or leavening agents in this recipe, so the texture is a little different. It's texture seems dry, but it's strangely moist at the same time. One thing is for sure: my chocolate craving has been satisfied, and I feel good knowing I added a little extra fiber and protein to my diet.

Aside from my baking adventure, Toby and I went on another walk. We saw a super cute Westie on the opposite side of a chain linked fence. They became instant friends. When we got home he slept like a rock. Finally. He is so high energy that usually a walk only peps him up. Maybe it's because his walks are becoming more regular. One point for me. Somehow I summoned the energy after our walk to do Turbo Jam's 20 minute "Ab Jam". It burned soo good. It was after that workout that I craved the brownies. That better not become a regular thing, or I'm in deep trouble.

Oh Boy

I must admit, that I have not worked out since my last blog entry. My new anti-d's have a nasty side effect of weight gain, so I'm up 8 pounds. Blow to my confidence. In addition, I have turned to desserts to make me feel better. Then, when I look at the empty cup of ice cream, or the cookie crumbs left on my plate, my emotions take an even steeper turn. After only two weeks, I summoned the courage to step on the scale. The number makes sense. My pants hurt to wear, and I can no longer suck in my gut.  This is the heaviest I have ever been.

This morning, however, I realized that I CAN get back on track to eating healthy. My frozen blueberries and grapes were a wonderful way to wake up. I forgot how delicious they are, and how good they make me feel. Struggling with clinical depression and lack of energy while trying to exercise is like trying to mix oil and water. But I can do this. There are too many stories of people who were actually obese lose all their extra weight. My journey isn't as long as theirs. I can't give up. I won't give up.