Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.

Vlog Monday #8

If you are a new member of my blog, this video recap will bring you up to date :)

A "Blah" Week

Where did this week even go? I'm taken aback that today is already Friday. Time flies way too fast, especially when you're severely depressed. This week I have been living in my room. So far I have only done P90X on Tuesday, so I am restarting week 7 on Monday. This probably has to do with me dropping Seroquel and only being on Lexapro. This Vlog Monday I mentioned that I was feeling better, but that was temporary. Very temporary.

On Wednesday I went to my doctor and after about 2 hours, it was agreed that I was a good candidate for TMS. Since then I have been so emotional. Being free of this horrible condition is SO close, yet seems so out of reach. The procedure is not the cheapest. We knew it wouldn't be, but somehow I thought it would be figured out on the spot and I could begin ASAP. Reality set in and $15,000 is lot less tangible than I had imagined. My parents are doing everything they can right now to be approved for a loan to get my treatment.
It's one thing to know you're loved, and another to see people struggle for you. I had no idea how much my depression affected those around me until Wednesday. My husband and parents were there, and hearing them answer questions about who Debra was just killed me. Maybe that's what affected me most and put me into this deeper depression. Also not doing my workout is making me feel inadequate, and giving me thoughts of "Why am I even doing this? I'm going to be one of those bloggers that begin something potentially good and then fall off the face of the earth a few months later, aren't I?"
I have to get out of this funk. Sure, I can somewhat deal with being depressed on a daily basis. But this? This is a deep depression. The kind where I can't wake up or have a conversation because it takes too much energy. The kind where I eat everything in sight and then feel worse. The kind where I keep screaming into my pillow and biting my arm to relieve some emotional pain. The kind that will erase me if I don't do something quick.

Vlog Monday

My mom and I - April 2011

Oh Boy

I must admit, that I have not worked out since my last blog entry. My new anti-d's have a nasty side effect of weight gain, so I'm up 8 pounds. Blow to my confidence. In addition, I have turned to desserts to make me feel better. Then, when I look at the empty cup of ice cream, or the cookie crumbs left on my plate, my emotions take an even steeper turn. After only two weeks, I summoned the courage to step on the scale. The number makes sense. My pants hurt to wear, and I can no longer suck in my gut.  This is the heaviest I have ever been.

This morning, however, I realized that I CAN get back on track to eating healthy. My frozen blueberries and grapes were a wonderful way to wake up. I forgot how delicious they are, and how good they make me feel. Struggling with clinical depression and lack of energy while trying to exercise is like trying to mix oil and water. But I can do this. There are too many stories of people who were actually obese lose all their extra weight. My journey isn't as long as theirs. I can't give up. I won't give up.