My TMS Experience

Here is the promised video of a short segment of my TMS session. We were only allowed one minute of video time, but I'm glad we had the permission to do so. Besides, after a minute you would probably be bored.

Another blessing is that I was able to watch movies, which is what I'm focusing on to not think about the hard tapping sensation on my head. Needless to say, I watched more movies than I cared to for the entire year of 2012.

As you can see, I look worn out. That was (well, still is) a daily thing, and my sessions were every day at 11:30 am. I can't stand to watch this video. My ears  literally translates the sound of the tapping into pain. Ugh. So glad I'm done.

For some reason the video won't embed, so you can follow this link to see it :) 

 Overall, I'd give my TMS experience a B-. I think it helped my medications work better, and helped me get into a little routine which I wasn't used to before. And even though I'm tired as heck all the time, I'm finally able to fight against sleeping all day. I also get really antsy now when I'm not doing little projects.

I gave it a B- because of it's extremely high price, and the procedure itself was very emotional for me because of the pain I had to endure. Not. Fun. One. Bit.

Katie, the TMS tech who worked with me every day was great. It was so nice to have someone my age going through this process with me. She seemed to feel very sympathetic towards my uncomfortable sessions. I'd definitely choose her all over again. Thank you for everything, Katie! You're amazing!

Here is a log I kept for most of my sessions. I didn't finish through the 30 sessions, plus the few tapering sessions at the end. It became pretty redundant once it felt like a routine and nothing was changing. I hope this gives enough insight to those looking into TMS. If you have any questions I'd be very happy to answer them for you. Ask away!

TMS TREATMENTS

Wednesday, April 4 - DAY 1: My treatment started on a Wednesday. Setting the machine to my settings wasn’t too bad. The treatment itself, however, was painful. I cried the entire time while watching some “under the sea” video with horrible music. I continued to cry for about an hour after my treatment as well. It must have been anxiety, dwelling on the fact that I would have to leave the house every day to do this treatment that hurts. One day at a time.

Thursday, April 5 - DAY 2: This day went by a lot faster. I brought my favorite movie, What About Bob, with me. Towards the end of my session, I was pretty nauseous from the pain in my head. Or maybe it was the cinnamon gum disintegrating between my clenched jaws. Even though the treatment felt like it took forever, it seemed a bit faster than day 1.

Friday, April 6 - DAY 3: Much better. What I’m noticing is that the last 5 minutes or so of my treatment is that my left nostril begins to burn when I breathe in. As soon as I’m in the car the burning seems to disappear. I wonder if this is associated with the magnetic coil being placed on the left side of my skull. This day I finished What About Bob.

Monday - April 9 -DAY 4: Today is Monday, and Katie is now doing my treatments (before it was Marie). Actually, I think she started doing them on Friday. She is really nice. We found out today that it’s ok to have slightly wet hair while doing the treatment. I watched the beginning of Blue Crush, which was my favorite movie as a teenager. The pain was much more tolerable today. Maybe I’m just getting used to it. I had the nose burning again today. I had tons of energy for the rest of the day. Felt sort of normal-ish again.

Tuesday, April 10 - DAY 5: Today wasn’t so bad. I watched more of Blue Crush. I’m beginning to tell when the treatment is almost over because of the overwhelming burning sensation in my left nostril. It’s so weird Breathing through the pulses is becoming much easier, and I’m also able to keep my eyes open through it a little better. Today I’m really depressed and lethargic - the opposite of yesterday.

Wednesday, April 11 - DAY 6: Today a different technician took care of me instead of Katie. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. This treatment was just as bad if not worse than day 1. The pulses felt as though they were hitting my temple and not the usual spot, and they were very sharp and not dull. The entire time I was contemplating whether or not to leave immediately. As soon as treatment was done I ripped out of the machine. There was no way I could wait a second longer to have the tech remove the coil, lower the chair & un-tape me.

Thursday, April 12 - DAY 7: WHEW! Katie is back. Thank God. My breathing is 100% easy now during the magnetic pulses, and I can even keep my eyes open as well. This session also went by really quickly. I am still getting a burning sensation on my head and in my left nostril during the last five minutes. It’s like clockwork. Today I started Kicking and Screaming. Love it.

Thursday, April 19 - Day 12: Had a panic attack during treatment. I was begging to go home but my husband helped to calm me down.

Tuesday, April 24 - Day 15: Woohoo! I am now half way through treatment. There is nothing new to report. It’s the same thing every day with a different movie.

Wednesday, April 25 - DAY 16: Increased prescription from 3,700 pulses to 4,500 pulses

Tuesday, May 1 - DAY 20: Increased prescription from 4,500 pulses to 4,800 more pulses. I am now in the chair for an hour. Half-way through my session I take a tiny break from the coil to relieve the “hot” sensation on my scalp. It helps a lot, and makes the rest of my session a little more comfortable. I can’t tell if TMS is working or not. I don’t know… if anything my fight against depression is a little stronger. I have been able to avoid being in bed which has been difficult, to say the least.

A Break in the Storm

I don't even know where to start. In summary, yesterday was A GOOD DAY. A very wholesome, family filled, packed with smiles and laughter kind of day. The relief of not being burdened with the worst fatigue and overwhelming sadness is indescribable. Now, not to say I felt 100% normal again, but I'll take that 75% good feeling any day.

It started out with waking up one hour before my alarm clock. This is considered a huge feat by my husband, since I'm always fighting to stay in bed. My mom called soon after to ask us to pick up a BBQ for my step-dad as a surprise birthday gift (Happy Birthday today, PZ!). My husband and I happily went to Home Depot to get the BBQ. We were like giddy school girls when we picked it up and sneakily hid it in my parent's shed.

What was even more fun, was seeing the surprised look on his face when we pulled off the blanket that was covering it on the back porch. He quickly went to the store and spent a good two hours doing what I'm assuming was the best grocery trip of his life. While he was barbequeing, I began dancing around on the back porch. PZ turned to look at me and said "I really love seeing you like this." It dawned on me that I was having an amazing day. I mean, look at me! I was DANCING!

Today was my fifth day of taking my new medication, Abilify 2mg, on top of my Lexpro 20mg and Seroquel 25mg. Friday was also my 31st TMS session. Now that I am finished, I am tapering off TMS by doing two sessions a week for the next three weeks. We'll see how I continue to do. Hopefully progressivly better :)

Enjoying the sunshine and the lake behind my parent's house

Yes. Shaving our legs outside. You ladies MUST do this. It's so fun and makes shaving more enjoyable!!!

TMS Therapy Day 29

Hey everyone. Here is a vlog updating you on my TMS sessions to date.

Daily Ray of Sunshine

For the last month or so, I have been seeing a counselor once a week after doing my TMS treatments. At the beginning of this month while talking to my counselor, Staci, she suggested a little something for me to help me during my seemingly harder times with depression lately. This little exercise has me seeking out each and every positive occurrence throughout every day of mine. "Even if you simply smell a beautiful flower, you can look at that a positive in your day." That challenge was happily accepted, considering I'm willing to try anything to be less miserable.

Since that visit with Staci, I have started a new page on this blog devoted to my everyday blessings. I am now finding myself paying attention to everything that happens throughout the day and finding my "daily ray of sunshine" amid my severe depression. It might seem cheesy, but I urge you to try for yourself. You'll be surprised how it'll change your perception.

Needless to say, I'm still extremely depressed, even more so lately. There are 27 TMS sessions under my belt. Over a week ago I missed a day because I had a panic attack at the office, and I have missed the last 3 days due to a horrid stomach flu that landed me in the ER Monday night. My husband says that even though it's not night and day, TMS is helping me. He and I both see that I haven't spent nearly as much time as I use to in bed. What he doesn't feel is what I do inside. Even though my fight is strong, the pain inside me seems stronger. TMS feels like a failure to me. Why even carry out the rest of my treatments? It's a waste of my time and money.

And yes, that's me talking. Not the depression... right? Right. Wait a minute...

Dragging

Fitness has seemed to have come to a complete halt. I haven't worked out since last Tuesday, and before that was the Monday before. There has been ZERO energy flowing through my body. I mean, yea I'm menstruating, but to be this drained for over two weeks? Agh! Enough is enough already. I'm trying my best to keep my chin up. For the most part we are having a beautiful spring, there are plenty of crafting projects to keep me out of bed, and I have TMS still going.

Speaking of TMS, yesterday was session 21 out of 30. I'm getting nervous because it hasn't made any impact on my depression. If anything I was doing better before I started treatment. I wonder if it has to do with the stress of waking up at a decent time every day, leaving the comfort of my home every day, and having to converse with people face to face every day. Can a difference really be made in only 9 more sessions?? God, I sure hope so.

TMS Therapy Day 5

Yesterday was good. I worked out, did my video on time, went for a walk with my friend, and overall my energy level felt normal-ish.

Today is the opposite. I even went in for my treatment with pajamas on. Since I got home my body has been parked in our bed. Maybe the weather has some role in this? Yesterday was perfect weather. Not too warm, and not too cold. Today is gloomy and wet.

TMS is becoming easier, and finally beginning to feel routine. Today wasn’t so bad. I watched some of the movie Blue Crush. I’m beginning to tell when the treatment is almost over because of this overwhelming burning sensation in my left nostril. The magnetic coil is also placed on the left side of my head, so I wonder if that attributes to it. Breathing through the pulses is becoming much easier as well, and I’m also able to keep my eyes open through it a little better.

Here are some photos my husband took yesterday before I started. We are waiting for written consent from Neurostar to record some of my treatment being done.

Why yes, that is a Rambo tee.

Vlog Monday #7

Lucky number 7 ;)

After First TMS Appointment

*DEEP BREATH* Whew!

I'm so glad that's over. Right after I blogged earlier  about how I was a nasty mess, I took the quickest shower in the history of Debra. I even blow-dried my hair. It was my little Wednesday victory. The first day always takes the longest, due to having to adjust the machine to my body and finding the correct spot in my brain that controls mood. That part wasn't bad at all. What wasn't fun was getting the treatment itself.

The feeling is so hard to explain, but I'll try my best. It feels as though a dull metal rod is tapping hard against my soft brain, with the pain extending from the point of penetration down to the roof of my mouth. The magnetic stimulations are the fast tappings that happen for a short time, and then I get a short brake. This repeats for 37 minutes.

Towards the end of the session, the area on my head where the coil was placed felt like it was very heated. When I mentioned this, my husband took a photo while I was still sitting in the chair after the procedure was over.

The red spot on my head is where the coil was placed. We asked my doctor if we could record one of my sessions, and he has to get permission from Neurostar. As soon as we have the green light, I'll post a video on here so you can see what it's like.
See my red nose? I was literally crying the entire time. Not so much because of the pain, but because my emotions were just out of whack. My anxiety was really high. One of the staff members kept bringing me fresh tissues. She was so sweet. Everyone was. I don't think I could have chosen a better group of people to help me through this process.
Well, I have one day under my belt. I have a headache, but it's not too bad. Now I go in Monday through Friday for 6 weeks. The only way I'm going to get through the remaining 29 sessions is by taking it one day at a time.

Before First TMS Appointment

My very first TMS appointment is in less than an hour. My hair is greasy, my PJ's are still on, I haven't showered in two days, and I'm quite an emotional mess. Why am I freaking out so badly over this? Okay, that's a stupid question, because I know exactly why.

I'm afraid this won't work.

My mind is filled with all these "what-ifs". What if it hurts too bad? What if I get there and I can't stop crying? What if I can't make it in every day for 6 weeks? What if this is a big waste of money?

God, my all-powerful, almighty heavenly father, who created the heavens and the earth, who created ME, you can do ANTYHING. Nothing is too great of a task for you. I'm asking you to please let all these fears of mine vanish. Please don't let them control me. You have made it possible to do this treatment, and I'm trusting that you won't let this treatment go in vain. Please, God. Please comfort me right now. Hold me in your arms. I need you so badly.

Amen.

Vlog Monday #6

A "Blah" Week

Where did this week even go? I'm taken aback that today is already Friday. Time flies way too fast, especially when you're severely depressed. This week I have been living in my room. So far I have only done P90X on Tuesday, so I am restarting week 7 on Monday. This probably has to do with me dropping Seroquel and only being on Lexapro. This Vlog Monday I mentioned that I was feeling better, but that was temporary. Very temporary.

On Wednesday I went to my doctor and after about 2 hours, it was agreed that I was a good candidate for TMS. Since then I have been so emotional. Being free of this horrible condition is SO close, yet seems so out of reach. The procedure is not the cheapest. We knew it wouldn't be, but somehow I thought it would be figured out on the spot and I could begin ASAP. Reality set in and $15,000 is lot less tangible than I had imagined. My parents are doing everything they can right now to be approved for a loan to get my treatment.
It's one thing to know you're loved, and another to see people struggle for you. I had no idea how much my depression affected those around me until Wednesday. My husband and parents were there, and hearing them answer questions about who Debra was just killed me. Maybe that's what affected me most and put me into this deeper depression. Also not doing my workout is making me feel inadequate, and giving me thoughts of "Why am I even doing this? I'm going to be one of those bloggers that begin something potentially good and then fall off the face of the earth a few months later, aren't I?"
I have to get out of this funk. Sure, I can somewhat deal with being depressed on a daily basis. But this? This is a deep depression. The kind where I can't wake up or have a conversation because it takes too much energy. The kind where I eat everything in sight and then feel worse. The kind where I keep screaming into my pillow and biting my arm to relieve some emotional pain. The kind that will erase me if I don't do something quick.

Vlog Monday

TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

Yesterday while talking to my doctor about how my medication isn't helping, she brought up what sounded like a crazy futuristic and fictional therapy. At first I kind of laughed out the word "What?!" She began to explain what is called TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation; a non-invasive method that stimulates and redirects neurons in the brain by using magnetic currents. My doctor then went on to say they just began this treatment in their clinic last Wednesday, and of the 3 patients who are doing this, one already feels better. As soon as she said that, I told her I wanted to know more.

A TMS specialist was called into the office, and we set up an appointment with her for next Wednesday to talk more about this procedure, and to decide if it was right for me. My husband and I went home, not able to stop thinking about this mystical cure for depression. It sounds too good to be true, but after 6 years of suffering, I'm willing to try anything.

When I got home I decided to do my own research, since I'm not patient enough to wait until next week to know more about TMS. We found this video from Dr. Oz that just aired on Wednesday. Around minute 3 in this video, a volunteer patient begins talking about her experience with TMS. When she mentioned what her son had said, I began sobbing. All I want is to be myself again. I miss Debra!!! I don't care how much this costs, I'll do whatever it takes to  be able to live life to the fullest again.

 

 

This video is amazing. Check it out for yourself :)