TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

Yesterday while talking to my doctor about how my medication isn't helping, she brought up what sounded like a crazy futuristic and fictional therapy. At first I kind of laughed out the word "What?!" She began to explain what is called TMS: Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation; a non-invasive method that stimulates and redirects neurons in the brain by using magnetic currents. My doctor then went on to say they just began this treatment in their clinic last Wednesday, and of the 3 patients who are doing this, one already feels better. As soon as she said that, I told her I wanted to know more.

A TMS specialist was called into the office, and we set up an appointment with her for next Wednesday to talk more about this procedure, and to decide if it was right for me. My husband and I went home, not able to stop thinking about this mystical cure for depression. It sounds too good to be true, but after 6 years of suffering, I'm willing to try anything.

When I got home I decided to do my own research, since I'm not patient enough to wait until next week to know more about TMS. We found this video from Dr. Oz that just aired on Wednesday. Around minute 3 in this video, a volunteer patient begins talking about her experience with TMS. When she mentioned what her son had said, I began sobbing. All I want is to be myself again. I miss Debra!!! I don't care how much this costs, I'll do whatever it takes to  be able to live life to the fullest again.

 

 

This video is amazing. Check it out for yourself :)

The Power Within a Small Gift

My body is so heavy with fatique. I'm afraid that what I'm getting out of my workouts is very little because I have only been puting in half as much effort as before. Energy has been out of my reach for a while now. It's the worst feeling. Imagine being stuck in the dreamworld and you want to wakeup, but you can't. You're screaming inside so your body can hear you to snap out of your dream with no avail. I'm trapped in my body. My mind is awake but my body isn't.

I haven't left the house since last week, and I have no desire to. It doesn't help that the weather has been so wet and gloomy. My emotions seem to mimic the weather. When the sun is out and the sky is blue, my mood is better. Not perfect, but better. When the weather is dark, my emotions seem to take a dive. Thankfully I live in the second most sunniest city in the United States: Redding, CA. I love the sun. Summer is my favorite season. Often I find myself day dreaming about floating on a blow-up raft, with my glistening skin reflecting the sunrays while soaking up it's warmth. I live for those days. June can't come soon enough.

A few days ago I became inspired to add a tab to my blog with my bucket list (still in the process of doing). My life list began when I was about 15, and in one of my older journals is a long list of things I wanted to do or become before I left this earth. While going through my pile of journals to find this list, I came across the Hello Kitty diary I mentioned in my very first blog post on Deb's Fitness Journey. Since I received this diary for Christmas 1996, I have not stopped writing about every event in my life.

Nearly each age of mine has been physically logged since I was 6 years old. I have always felt that our life should not be lived without a written record, only to have a few memorable moments out of each year. Instead I have journaled as much of my 24 years of life as often as I could. I thought it would be special to share this journal with you that inspired my passion for writing, so here it is :)

Although the date reads1997, it was in fact 1996. The following year of writing took place in 1997 at 9 years old :)

Goosfraba... Goosfraba...

We all get upset, and even experience anger from time to time. Each individual expresses these emotions in their own way. Some people yell, some don't say anything, and others shut down. When I get angry, I cry.
Because of my depression, I can't hold a steady job. My unstable emotions make me unreliable, even with medication. Therefore, my husband is the only source of income. He is a full time Christian Counseling student and works a part time job. As you can imagine, this is not enough income for us to live on our own. Thankfully, my in-laws are amazing people who graciously let us stay with them.
My husband is wonderful. I mean the best I could have found. He takes care of me, washes our clothes, helps take care of our 4 pets, studies every day, reads endlessly, works with children on a daily basis, works out, finds time for his friends and family, and is so patient with me. This guy has a stressful life, but still remains so calm and encourages me all the time. He always brings me up when I am down, tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and never ceases to make me laugh (even in the midst of my breakdowns). He's talented to be able to juggle all these things and deal with a spouse who has severe clinical depression.
Now there are a few people who have a problem with me living with my in-laws and blames my husband for not being a good provider. Today could have easily been a horrific day for me, and maybe even the next few weeks could have been ruined too. I base this off of my past experiences. When these people say things to me to bring me down, it works, and I shut down. These people mean so much to me, and to hear negative things come out of their mouths kills me. My bed becomes my new home and I question over and over why. I don't take showers or take care of myself. For a short time, I die inside.

Not today.

Today I took the high road. I am better than those who have nothing better to do than think of minuscule things and blow them out of proportion to have a reason to argue and hate against me and those I love dearly. Instead I shed a brief tear, tore up the punching bag the best I knew how and exercised for the next hour and 45 minutes. I never had so much fun working out than I did today.

This is the last time I mention you, or even spend my time thinking about you. You are such a negative influence in my life and only bring me down. I love you both and wish you the best of luck with the remainder of your years.

"But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!" - Isaiah 54:17 NLT"