Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.

My Body's Progress

Time to get back onto the fitness wagon! Especially after a day out on on the lake yesterday in a barely there bikini. I can't even begin to describe how self-concious I felt, but I have a hunch that you know that feeling all too well.

In my last video, I mentioned that I would take photos of my current body. By now it's been about 5 weeks since I have done P90X, and now that my stomach flu is finally over I'd like to pick up where I left off. I made it through phase 1 and 2 of P90X, and started day 1 of phase 3. I think I'll simply begin phase 3 again so I can start off by doing weight training ( I love it way more than cardio, which is day 2).

So... well... here they are *closes eyes*...

Ok, so it could be worse. I'm not back to square one, but I have regressed a bit. On April 22 I made a promise to not weigh myself until June 1st (only 3 more days until I can! Yay!) so I have no idea what I weigh. As Flab2Fab mentioned, gaining weight is a part of the journey. I need to accept this and keep moving forward.

Being in my bikini on Memorial Day: brave or inconsiderate?

Here's something interesting. This is a chart of my blog's facebook page activity for the month of May. I find it interesting how accurately it reflects my depression and mood. During the middle of this month I seemed to be doing worse than usual, and the chart reflects that. Fascinating.

V3 (Voyager Health Supplement) Review

For the past two days I have taken what is known as V3: Weight Management Complex Energy + Mood + Appetite Control. Yes, I am against diet pills, but I honestly didn't know this until after I read the label which happened to be after I took the pills. This wasn't smart, and I'm realizing this now.

Day 1 made me go a little insane. I made a short video which portrays how I actually felt. All joking aside, I was a little scared. When my husband came home from work and saw me all bug-eyed, he straight up told me I looked crazy. The combination of ingredients in the V3 pill revved up my engine higher than it would normally run on a good day for me, which meant my body worked harder than ever before. I cleaned, organized, swept, dusted, did a bunch of stuff I have been putting off for months and powered through my workout with ease. But as I was doing my last cool down stretch for ab ripper, I literally fell asleep.

After what I'm assuming was about five minutes, I woke up in child's pose on my yoga mat. Immediately I called for my husband, who had to physically pick me up and sit me down on our office chair. One pill and three hours later, my body crashed. Now why did I take it again this morning? Probably because I'm retarded. Nothing happened today anyway. Nothing. Zip. Nada. It was almost as though I didn't even take a V3 pill.

This evening I finally did the smart thing and read the tiny packet the pills came in. There is a laundry list of people who should not take this supplement. Because it's not clearly listed on the Voyager Health website, I am listing it here. What I underlined is what pertains to me. I'm a little nervous about reviewing A.C.E. now. From now on, I am never popping anything that I don't thoroughly know about. Lesson fully learned.

Click photo to be directed to Voyager Health website

The Power Within a Small Gift

My body is so heavy with fatique. I'm afraid that what I'm getting out of my workouts is very little because I have only been puting in half as much effort as before. Energy has been out of my reach for a while now. It's the worst feeling. Imagine being stuck in the dreamworld and you want to wakeup, but you can't. You're screaming inside so your body can hear you to snap out of your dream with no avail. I'm trapped in my body. My mind is awake but my body isn't.

I haven't left the house since last week, and I have no desire to. It doesn't help that the weather has been so wet and gloomy. My emotions seem to mimic the weather. When the sun is out and the sky is blue, my mood is better. Not perfect, but better. When the weather is dark, my emotions seem to take a dive. Thankfully I live in the second most sunniest city in the United States: Redding, CA. I love the sun. Summer is my favorite season. Often I find myself day dreaming about floating on a blow-up raft, with my glistening skin reflecting the sunrays while soaking up it's warmth. I live for those days. June can't come soon enough.

A few days ago I became inspired to add a tab to my blog with my bucket list (still in the process of doing). My life list began when I was about 15, and in one of my older journals is a long list of things I wanted to do or become before I left this earth. While going through my pile of journals to find this list, I came across the Hello Kitty diary I mentioned in my very first blog post on Deb's Fitness Journey. Since I received this diary for Christmas 1996, I have not stopped writing about every event in my life.

Nearly each age of mine has been physically logged since I was 6 years old. I have always felt that our life should not be lived without a written record, only to have a few memorable moments out of each year. Instead I have journaled as much of my 24 years of life as often as I could. I thought it would be special to share this journal with you that inspired my passion for writing, so here it is :)

Although the date reads1997, it was in fact 1996. The following year of writing took place in 1997 at 9 years old :)