I was lying in bed at
5:30 this morning, unable to go to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. My body was sore as usual, so I decided to stretch my back. When I was done, my back went
into spasms that nearly disabled me. And I began to cry.
Not because the pain is unbearable. I’ve gotten used to
withstanding the pain I’m in daily. But because I’m so out of control. My body
is weak, tired, and broken. I’ve been battling chronic illnesses for years, but
the nerve pain I have been experiencing has been more of a recent battle,
starting over a year ago, and it’s a tough one to face.
I hate being out of control. I don’t need much of it. But
can I have a little? Can I have enough to be able to be pain free and enjoy my
life? Imagine having your mouth wired shut, and trying to shove a banana
between your teeth to get nourishment. My body’s ailments don’t allow me the nourishment
of my wonderful life. I know it’s wonderful. But I don’t get to fully experience
it. I’m too busy sleeping 5-8 hour intervals throughout each day.
I’m trying my best to fight with all my heart and soul. I
know God has a plan. He will bring good out of my suffering (Romans 8:28).
But it’s been so long. Can you at least tell me a part of your plan so I am not
discouraged? I know you hear my cries. I know you feel my agony and physical
suffering. I know you love me more than I can comprehend. So it must be a
stinkin’ good plan. My suffering must do something for someone else. I guess I
need to ask myself: if a lifetime of these illnesses brings one person to
Christ somehow, is it worth it? Indeed it is. So I must take joy knowing my
pain is not in vain. I’ll understand someday, but today is not that day. I must
do my best not to be upset, and take hope knowing one day it will be gone. My
time will come when I’ll get an eternity of joy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.
God, please use me. Comfort me deeply. Give me the endurance I need to keep
going in this lifetime. I need your strength badly, because mine will not get
me anywhere.
Amen
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of
those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
