Goodbye February

This February has definitely been different than the rest. Never in my life have I worked out consistently, or even this much! I have been keeping track of my workouts on Team Beachbody's website. It's free, easy, and it always feels good to go there after I workout and fill in what I accomplished that day.

See all the pretty orange squares? Those are days I worked out. February 6th is the day I started P90X. Before then I was doing Chalene's Turbo Jam. Boy I miss her. Tony is ruthless, but he's making me stronger. Day 1 I was squirming on the ground, trying to lift my body with no avail in attempt to do a side-tri-rise. Week 3 I was able to do 1.5 side-tri-rises on each side! Slowly but surely, my body is changing.

March 3 is the beginning of a weight loss challenge that I joined hosted by BB Product Reviews. I am among 25 female participants. There are 5 video weigh-ins in the month of March, and the girl who loses the most weight wins $50. Although the money would be nice, I'm more excited about having others that I can talk to and help hold each other accountable. Besides, a challenge always makes for great motivation.

Last week I made a video of what my first 3 weeks of P90X consisted of. Some of it 'aint pretty. It kind of makes me laugh. When do we ever see ourselves workout?

Goodbye birthday month, the next time we see each other I'll be ripped out of my mind. Hasta la vista leap year.

Vlog Monday

My mom and I - April 2011

It's a War?

There is a confession I must make: I haven't been sticking to my processed-free diet. What I'm finding is that this challenge is extremely expensive. Funds are already tight, and I have no self-control. My husband and I live with his parents, so I can't simply rid the pantry and fridge of what I don't want to eat. My father-in-law is from Alabama, so his taste buds are deeply rooted in a steak-n-potatoes kind of food habit. And his deliciously sinful junk food cravings drive me insane. Like I said, I have no self-control.
Last week I missed Seroquel XR for about 3 days. I kept holding out, waiting for my doctor's office to get more samples in before the weekend. But I ended up having to shell out $25 to get 4 pills to last me until Monday. Turns out that for the most part, my mood was better. I haven't been irritated at all like I have been feeling for a while. It's been a nice vacation from Get-Out-Of-My-Face Land. So I lowered my dose from 100mg to 50mg. I'm not sleeping as well, but my mood is improving.
There was one day though that I was more depressed than normal. It was one of those nights that you can't fall asleep because everything within is burning and you want to jump out of your skin and scream at the top of your lungs. While on a trip to the louvre that night at 2am, I played the electronic game of 20 Questions. What I tried to get it to guess was the word "sorrow" (gloomy, I know), and this is what it guessed:

Close enough little game... close enough. What I am going through really is a violent war inside myself, against myself. I am constantly having to remind myself of the good things in my life. Depression is a dark mask that covers all the splendor in life. I know my life is good, even easier than most because I don't have children or a full time job, but depression dims everything. It makes me feel sad and lonely in the midst of a family full of big hearts.

The chemical imbalance of depression is a dangerous one if not treated. I know there is hope for me, and I'm fighting every day because I see that tiny glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. Some days I feel it, and those little moments of being free again encourage me to keep going for another day.

One of those little moments occurs every morning in bed, with the shades pulled back, sunlight pouring in, my husband greeting me with the warmest smile I've ever seen and a soft kiss on my lips. Most days this includes a perfectly warm cup of dark coffee. My journey would not be possible without this handsome charming man. He encourages me, always holds me when I'm down and never lets me wallow in my sorrow. He saves on a daily basis. This man is my incredible husband. I love you with all my heart, Matthew Drake.

Lent and Weight Gain

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. Honestly, I would not have known this if I hadn't come across another blog about someone else's journey towards fitness. Never have I participated in Lent; it didn't seem necessary since I'm not Catholic. But TSunshine inspired me. It can't be denied that my focus on God has greatly diminished since I began my fitness journey. I've decided to give up processed foods until April 6th - Good Friday.  I'm finding that sacrifice to be quite ambitious now that I'm one day in. Yesterday was a huge success until I had ice cream! Oops. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up. So far in the last 12 hours I've read my Bible more than I have in a month! Boy that sounds depressing, but it's progress.

Since my tiny victory of losing 6.8 pounds, I have gained most of it back. It's heartbreaking. I keep telling myself it's not about the scale. But as a female, those three tiny numbers have crept their way to the control center of my brain. They gotta move out. PRONTO. Especially with my depression, it's easier for me to dwell on the little things. What does feel good, is the fact that my pants fit me again. They aren't tight like they used to be back in January. *little dance*

Today is day 18/90 for P90X. The first time I did Yoga X I only lasted 45 minutes. Last Thursday I didn't even do it because I was so depressed my body literally couldn't get out of bed. This is the day I complete the 90 minute session. Maybe my mom will do it with me. (Feb 26 UPDATE- I didn't do Yoga X. Thankfully I'm not beating myself up over it.)

Speaking of my mom, I'm finding that the days I see her are better ones. About a month ago, she moved to the same town as me. Before then she had always been at least 5 hours away. She's my best friend, and being away from your best friend for months at a time, especially your mom, is the worst. Yesterday she went to Walgreens while I was doing P90X, and brought me back a recipe book titled Glycemic Index Cookbook. She's awesome, minus the Girl Scout cookies that live in her pantry.

Vlog Monday

Today is the beginning of a new tradition: Vlog Monday. Enjoy! :)

*the noise you hear in the background is my cat going in and out of the cat door :)*

Brand New Day

Quite obviously, yesterday was not a good day for me. But with help from my husband, a few others, and a burning desire within, I picked myself right back up. It seemed like an eternity since I have seen Tony after only missing him for one day. It felt so good to be in agonizing pain once again. Gotta love those wall sits. And seriously, can anyone even do those one-legged wall sits? Anyone?
*chirping crickets*
I didn't think so.

Toby and I went on a walk again today. That poor guy hasn't been on a walk since I began P90X. Tony has been kicking my butt so hard I haven't had any energy for my pup. That hyper-active little ball of fur is finally asleep right now. Mission fully accomplished.
Here are some inspiring words that I came across on Pinterest last night. Boy I love that site.
P.S. I quit the 3 day cleanse, and I'm totally fine with that :)

The Bad. And the Ugly

What's wrong with me?! I feel so ashamed. There's no way I'm the only one who has done this and regretted it even before it was done. Or am I? My blog is here to hold myself accountable, and to help others who are struggling through the same things as me. Today is only one day, but with one big mistake.
Yesterday I started the 3 day Shakeology cleanse. It has been rough. Not being able to use food as my comfort like I did before my journey has proven extremely difficult for me. Extremely difficult. Today is day 2 of my cleanse, and I blew it in 20 minutes. I just couldn't take it any more. A crunchy bag of beef Ramen, a handful of Hershey Kisses, and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. In that order. Now remember, I'm lactose intolerant, so I can't even digest dairy. My body immediately rejects it; thankfully back the way it came in. But did I really just consume those things in that sequence to my advantage? It's shameful to admit, but if I'm really honest with myself, I think yes.
Don't get me wrong. Thankfully I've never struggled with anorexia or bulimia. But today? Why today? Guilt has entirely consumed me. Do I really not have any self control that I can't fully commit to a three day cleanse? Really, Debra?? Am I really that weak of a person? Or is this just a weak moment? I haven't even done Yoga X yet, and it's already 5pm. I just want to sleep. My bed is sucking me in. Is this the crash that I mentioned? God please don't let me crash, I have been doing so well! If anyone is reading, today is one of those days I could really use prayer.

P90X Day 8 - Triumphs & Challenges

First, my challenge: not eating too many sweets. I'm a sweetaholic. Cookies and chocolate are my vice. Without these in my diet, I've been having major withdrawals. Unfortunately, today I indulged maybe just a little too much. That included three sugar-free bite-sized caramel chocolates, two little squares of raw sugar cookie dough and a handful of crackers (Trader Joe's fiber crackers I might add). My husband's after school program is having a cookie decorating party tomorrow for Valentine's Day, and I may have offered to bake the prepackaged cookies for sinful and selfish reasons. This indulgence might seem innocent, but boy am I bloated and feeling guilty!

On top of this, I've gained two pounds. I can't imagine it's muscle, because muscle doesn't bulge out of your belly. Today was my first day taking Shakeology, and I'm thinking that my body is reacting to the whey since I'm lactose intolerant. We all know what comes with being bloated. Gross, I know.
Now for my triumphs! First of all, I completed week one of P90X! Before day one, I was so intimidated of the workouts. The people who do this workout are ripped out of their minds! But Tony says to do my best, and that I do. I look forward to my daily workout now. It has become an addiction.
Second, I'm onto bigger weights! I went from 5 pound dumbbells to 10 pound ones. That makes me so excited! My body feels a little stronger. I see my body's changes in photos but not in the mirror, who is still not my friend. So far, I'm glad I started P90X. Working out is totally proving to be mind over matter.

My Favorite Lunch

Here's a short video I made on how to make my favorite lunch that I have been eating practically every day! This specific wrap was made for my husband. Personally, I'm not a fan of peppers or mustard, and I can't have cream cheese or pepper jack (lactose intolerant). I'd love to hear about your favorite lunches. Enjoy!

P.S. I'm a picky eater. I don't like carrots, but with them shredded and put into the wrap, I don't notice them except for an added fun crunch. The same with the cucumbers; I hate them. But my mother-in-law introduced me to Persian Cucumbers, and when those are sliced very thin, they add a very fresh taste to the wrap. Adding raw spinach is also tasteless, and very good for you!

Because You're Kicking Ass

I'm no Average Joe that just started working out. My body has been slowly deteriorating from being in bed so often, bound there by my severe depression.
Today while doing day 6 of P90X (Kenpo X) I just wanted to quit. There was no energy in the first place to workout, let alone crawl out of bed. But my husband began P90X in the living room, and I knew I just had to get it done.
After I finshed changing into workout clothes, I set up shop in the office. Minute 45 came up, and I wanted to quit, but gave it 5 more minutes. Minute 29 came and I wanted to quit again, but I gave it 5 more minutes. By the time I reached minute 15, I knew I had to finish. And I did. The minute Tony faded into black on the screen I began sobbing. It was one of those really good cries that needed to be let out. I went to the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face and went to the kitchen for a protein drink. My husband saw me, dropped what he was doing and came to me.
Husband: "Are you ok?"
Me: "I don't know... I don't even know why I'm crying," (still crying)
Husband: "Wanna know why you're crying?"
Me: "I don't know.... why?"
Husband: "Because you're kicking ass."

Wait... WHAT?!

You mean I can have before & during photos, too??? You mean like all the ones you see and think to yourself "ahh that's just photoshopped" and "they must have energy coming out of their ears"?? YES I CAN! And no I hardly have any energy, just sheer will power. That's 12 DAYS BABY! That's not even 2 weeks! 5.1 inches and 6.8 lbs! Holy smokes, Batman! I'm awesome!
Ok, I'm not as depressed as my last blog entry :)

Sweet Comfy Bed

Ahhhh. A sigh of relief escapes me as I finally get to sit in bed. Oh how I miss you, sweet bed. I have been pushing myself so hard to workout and I'm afraid I'm going to crash. What I miss the most is my comfort food that Seroquel XR makes me crave so strongly, and I'm doing everything I can not to give in. So what is there for comfort? I haven't been praying as often, or reading the Bible lately. I'm probably putting so much of my time, energy and focus into making sure I work out that I have completely forgotten to make time for what is most important: my relationship with God.

Yes, I'm a "Christian". I'm a proud follower and child of God. I strive to live a Christ-like life, and it isn't easy. Especially when depression gives you so many reasons to hate a God that would "allow" bad things to happen to good people. That's just how life here on earth is. It was meant to be a peaceful and evil free world until Adam and Eve first disobeyed God. But if it wasn't them, it would have been someone else. Humans are imperfect.
Anyway, amid my depression, I somehow did day 3 of P90X. Umm... how did that happen?? Sheer will, people. Sheer will. There was no energy or strength within me to do so. I'd like to think it's similar to the mother who lifted a car off her baby girl. You want it so bad that it somehow happens. Now that I'm finished with Tony, it's my sweet comfy bed. Oh how I've missed you so.

P90X - Day 1

Me after day one. No joke.

My mom, who took the photo and did day one with me, was shaking as bad as I was. That explains the blurry-ish photo. I am wiped. Before we began I was nearly having an anxiety attack because I was so nervous. Tony made us go from pushups to the pullup bar back and forth for about 40 minutes. The other 10 minutes was warming up and stretching. Call me crazy, but I'm actually really excited for tomorrow: plyometrics.

Change Is Happening!

The only difference I have felt in the way I looked from two weeks ago is that my stomach is less bloated. I was going to wait until the day before my birthday to weigh myself again, but I just couldn't help it. This morning I weighed myself and I am 5.2 pounds lighter. I was so ecstatic that I decided to measure my body while I was at it. What was more exciting than that 5.2 pounds, is the 4.1 inches that I have burned off all over my body. Wow. It's really happening! Change really can happen to my body. I never thought it could.
Later this afternoon I start P90X, and if Chalene has helped me burn off that much in one week, then I can't wait to see what Tony helps me do.

Keep On Movin'

Since I started Turbo Jam over a week ago, there has been a little pep to my every step. I even skipped over the steps to our front door when I ran in to say goodbye to my husband. That never happens. It has only been a week of solid weight training and my body already feels better. This evening I even walked home from the grocery store instead of driving with my husband, and it's supposed to be my rest day. My body is addicted to moving.
Tomorrow I start P90X. Chalene's Turbo Sculpt and Ab Jam are already kicking my butt enough as it is. But hey! Let's turn it up about 10 notches. I'm in a momentum, and I feel like nothing can stop me.

Please pray that my momentum continues.

Pushing Through the Tears

Working out is hard. Working out with depression is harder. Working out, with depression, on a bad emotional day, is the worst.
This morning I became really sick. Unfortunately, my lactose intolerance has become really bad again. When I wake up too early (before the sun is fully up) I get really bad anxiety. Don't ask me why; I couldn't tell you. But I began to question myself. "Why am I working out? What's the point? I just want to be comfortable again and cuddle in my bed all day. Do I really care that much about having muscles?"
After a few more hours of sleep I stopped those thoughts dead in their tracks. This is for ME. This is to PROVE to myself that I AM STRONG and that I AM WORTH IT. I'm worth every bead of sweat, every shakey muscle, every grunt, every tear. And although I still felt so emotional, I busted out 40 minutes of weight training, and went on my 1.2 mile walking route with Toby. I cried during and at the end of both. Even 5 minutes into my walk I almost turned around, but I knew that would make me feel worse. Even at this moment I want to cry, but now I think it's because I'm proud of myself.
If you don't have depression, or any physical disorder and have the time, you have no excuse not to make the body you have always wanted. I don't want to hear it. Don't you dare tell the person who struggles to get out bed, struggles to take showers and brush her teeth, who has to keep reminding herself that life is worth it, who still manages to workout every day that you just can't do it. Because you can. You are stronger than you know. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone and you will see. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Understanding Protein

Here is an informative video that helped me understand how protein works with and affects our bodies. Once you watch the video, you can use this protein calculator to see how much protein your body needs on a daily basis. By the way, my body smells like a sweaty mess from working out today. I'm one happy girl.