A "Blah" Week

Where did this week even go? I'm taken aback that today is already Friday. Time flies way too fast, especially when you're severely depressed. This week I have been living in my room. So far I have only done P90X on Tuesday, so I am restarting week 7 on Monday. This probably has to do with me dropping Seroquel and only being on Lexapro. This Vlog Monday I mentioned that I was feeling better, but that was temporary. Very temporary.

On Wednesday I went to my doctor and after about 2 hours, it was agreed that I was a good candidate for TMS. Since then I have been so emotional. Being free of this horrible condition is SO close, yet seems so out of reach. The procedure is not the cheapest. We knew it wouldn't be, but somehow I thought it would be figured out on the spot and I could begin ASAP. Reality set in and $15,000 is lot less tangible than I had imagined. My parents are doing everything they can right now to be approved for a loan to get my treatment.
It's one thing to know you're loved, and another to see people struggle for you. I had no idea how much my depression affected those around me until Wednesday. My husband and parents were there, and hearing them answer questions about who Debra was just killed me. Maybe that's what affected me most and put me into this deeper depression. Also not doing my workout is making me feel inadequate, and giving me thoughts of "Why am I even doing this? I'm going to be one of those bloggers that begin something potentially good and then fall off the face of the earth a few months later, aren't I?"
I have to get out of this funk. Sure, I can somewhat deal with being depressed on a daily basis. But this? This is a deep depression. The kind where I can't wake up or have a conversation because it takes too much energy. The kind where I eat everything in sight and then feel worse. The kind where I keep screaming into my pillow and biting my arm to relieve some emotional pain. The kind that will erase me if I don't do something quick.