Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.