Fighting The Good Fight

I was lying in bed at 5:30 this morning, unable to go to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. My body was sore as usual, so I decided to stretch my back. When I was done, my back went into spasms that nearly disabled me. And I began to cry.

Not because the pain is unbearable. I’ve gotten used to withstanding the pain I’m in daily. But because I’m so out of control. My body is weak, tired, and broken. I’ve been battling chronic illnesses for years, but the nerve pain I have been experiencing has been more of a recent battle, starting over a year ago, and it’s a tough one to face.

I hate being out of control. I don’t need much of it. But can I have a little? Can I have enough to be able to be pain free and enjoy my life? Imagine having your mouth wired shut, and trying to shove a banana between your teeth to get nourishment. My body’s ailments don’t allow me the nourishment of my wonderful life. I know it’s wonderful. But I don’t get to fully experience it. I’m too busy sleeping 5-8 hour intervals throughout each day.

I’m trying my best to fight with all my heart and soul. I know God has a plan. He will bring good out of my suffering (Romans 8:28). But it’s been so long. Can you at least tell me a part of your plan so I am not discouraged? I know you hear my cries. I know you feel my agony and physical suffering. I know you love me more than I can comprehend. So it must be a stinkin’ good plan. My suffering must do something for someone else. I guess I need to ask myself: if a lifetime of these illnesses brings one person to Christ somehow, is it worth it? Indeed it is. So I must take joy knowing my pain is not in vain. I’ll understand someday, but today is not that day. I must do my best not to be upset, and take hope knowing one day it will be gone. My time will come when I’ll get an eternity of joy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.

God, please use me. Comfort me deeply. Give me the endurance I need to keep going in this lifetime. I need your strength badly, because mine will not get me anywhere.

Amen

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Fitness Progress

(I accidentally deleted all my Google photos, so I have to re-upload photos to my blog. Sorry!)

Before

After

Simple Ways to Alleviate Depression ~ Vlog Monday #10

When you think about how to cope with depression, what are the first things that come to mind? For me, it is the obvious and traditional approach. Some of these include see a doctor or psychiatrist, meet with a counselor, and surround yourself with positive people.

These are all important steps that those who deal with depression must first take, but when you struggle with depression for any excessive amount of time, you need to take additional steps.

In my last video, I put great emphasis on exercising, eating healthy, cutting out the toxic substance of sugar. This takes time and daily practice. And exercising isn't always a realistic approach, especially if you are impacted with the physical toll that depression can take on your body.

I have come a long way in my battle against depression. It's still something I deal with on a daily basis, even though I have overcome much of it. Today's video explains the achievable steps I take, and some are even realistic for those who are severely debilitated by the cruel disease of depression.

March 2014 Update

This is my newest update about my health and where I'm at in my fitness journey :)

Getting In The Groove Of Things

The last 5 months have been quite an adventure. In December I began P90X (attempt #2) and eating clean. What a life changer it has been. My depression isn't nearly as bad as it used to be, but my energy is still pretty low.

In March I visited a chiropractor, where I found out I have Advanced Spinal Degeneration in my neck. This is causing my vertebrae to grind against each other, while pinching my spinal cord. We think this has a lot to do with my health problems. My chiropractor says my body is running at about 30% capacity (I can attest to this estimate!).

I have been adjusted a few times, and I find that I'm always more emotional afterwards, since I'm experiencing a flood of hormones flowing through my body. It's crazily amazing how powerful our bodies are. We have a 3 month treatment plan set up for me, and I can't wait to get started. But first, to save up the money.

Until then, I'm just going to keep doing my thing: pushing my body every day like a badass. I took up running in January, and I absolutely love it. It's probably quite comical to see me run, but hey, I just don't care. About 7 weeks ago though, I injured my pelvic muscle. Probably from my new love of running. But I didn't realize it. I thought maybe I bruised my hip from running into something (I'm the definition of clumsy). After 4 weeks of the pain not subsiding, and a weekend of 8.5 miles making the pain worse, I knew it was time to see the doctor.

He prescribed me a topical anti-inflammatory to use for the next few weeks, and told me to not do any physical activity (running, hiking, walking, leg training) for the next 6 weeks.

AGGHHH.

He did, however, say I could swim. And because I didn't want to stop moving, Matt and I went out that afternoon on a mission to find a gym with a pool at a good price. And this is where my gym life began.

We joined a gym close to us the very next day (April 6) and have only taken a 2 day break since then. I started out swimming, but got bored with it and realized that it was making my hip hurt even worse. I mean, there are ways to swim that wouldn't, but they didn't get my heart rate high enough. Not to mention I got bored pretty quickly.

Now I weight train my upper and middle body every day. P90X was a great foundation for this, but I have since moved on. I created a 3 day sequence using bodybuilding.com and have been really enjoying getting out of the P90X groove.

Being at the gym is helping tremendously with my social anxiety. I can't even begin to describe how hard it's been to force myself to be around people every day, especially in a place where "normal" people get social anxiety too! Being around a bunch of buff and fit people can be really intimidating. But breaking my mental cycle is imperative if I want to have a life outside of my bedroom.

So I'm a gym person now. I would have never ever guessed in a million years this would happen, especially since I've been a member of 3 other gyms and have gone only a few times and hated it. This time is different. I'm in the right mindset now. And that is most important when it comes to achieving your fitness goals.





P.S. Here is a progress photo from March. When I started P90X again in December, I weighed 151 (which is 9 pounds more than the "before" photo here... I was too embarrassed to take another one so I just used an old one). In the "after" photo I am about 135. Today I've lost a total of 20 pounds. Yay :)

Happy 2013!

Happy Halloween!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Merry Christmas!
Happy 2013!

Since August, I've tried even more medications, none of which have helped any of my symptoms of severe fatigue, Mono, Major Depression and anxiety. At the beginning of December I hit a wall. My doctors are stumped and don't know what else to do for me.

Something within me changed. It was pretty drastic too. It was time to start eating clean and take matters into my own hands if I was ever going to heal my body of all its problems. Since then I have beat my sugar addiction (something I swear would have never happened), cut out two medications and have reduced my Major Depression by about 50%.

Those are huge victories. And they happened in 6 weeks.

The same day I began eating clean, I started P90X again. Today was day 40, and I'm doing even better with staying on track this time than before. I'm running out of options, so staying serious about getting my body in the best shape possible is very important. It's the only way I'll ever beat these health problems that have invaded my life.

August Update Vlog

Baby Steps, Baby.

When I was a teen, my dad said something to me that stuck like glue. “If you want something bad enough, you’ll work hard enough to get it.” I can’t even tell you how many goals this saying has helped me achieve.

So here is another goal, that my willpower is going to get me through to the end: Eat healthy for 30 days (September 20th). Since working out isn’t quite an option just yet for me, I’ll begin from the inside out.

This morning I’ve already started off right with a spinach, strawberry, blueberry and orange juice smoothie. My MIL and I made pre-packaged portions of these fruits and veggies for our freezer, so we are set for mornings. Later this morning at 10am, my husband and I are meeting with a friend for breakfast, and I’ve made a plan to order a fruit bowl. I know I can do this.

 

Baby steps, baby.

 

 

Oh, The Guilt

I can’t express how BADLY I want to be working out. My body yearns for it. What sucks is there is nothing I can do. This mono on top of my severe depression and anxiety just knocks me out. Since last night my desire to be doing P90X has been a burning flame within. How am I supposed to workout when I can hardly stay awake? Sitting at the computer being awake is painful enough. There has got to be a way.

Since my energy has been non-existent, my diet has been horrible. Not only am I self medicating with sugar, I haven’t been conscious at all about what I eat. My poor eating habits make me even more depressed. Not only is this simple guilt, but bad eating habits cause chemical reactions with your brain to cause poor mood.

Agh. Pray for me to have the willpower to eat better food, and to take better care of my body once again. I want to make myself proud, and right now, I’m the furthest thing from it.

Mono

I keep telling myself that I should start writing a blog entry. Even if it’s just rambling on. Anything to write another blog entry. My mind has been a crazy mess. So has my body.

Mono. I have it, and it sucks. There’s not much the doctors can do for me except to have me wait it out. With my depression I’m already really tired all the time. With mono it’s a struggle to be awake all. day. long. My doctors told me to simply let my body rest, but I refuse.

Lately I have been doing anything to keep me busy. I’m working hard with my etsy store, and it’s paying off. My store has been selling nearly every day. It’s such a rewarding feeling to be able to work from home. I also have some items in a local boutique, and refinished furniture in a consignment store. There is also a church that I’m having a blast doing some work for.

The catch here is that if I’m not doing anything, I’m super depressed. But by doing all this stuff, I have a ton of anxiety. I’d rather have anxiety than be depressed. At least I’m being productive, right? No way am I giving into this mono.

100% Me

Who would you be if you lived alone in the woods? Would you be the same person you are today with television, social media, the Internet, celebrities and your friends and family to influence you? I know I wouldn’t.

Last night I kept thinking about who I really am, aside from the color nail polish I choose, or what kinds of clothes I decide to wear, or how I do my hair. It all sounds shallow, but us women know the pressures of being as beautiful as other women. Even though I’m not high maintenance, I still feel like maybe I try too hard. Who would I be if it was just my family and I in the woods?

I would definitely be weirder, because I wouldn’t care as much what others thought of me. My voice would be stronger, more affirmative in my decisions. I’d feel 100% beautiful, because I wouldn’t have photos surrounding me of beautiful models with long blonde hair who have “perfect” abs and legs. I would feel sufficient. I’d be happier with my body, my face, my choices, my actions and reactions.

I want to be that girl. I want to be me 100%. I don’t want all these photos and ideas of who I should be. I don’t want to follow a “style” that changes every 6 months. I don’t want to be labeled or categorized or compared.

So you know what? I won’t. I will be free from my fears of thoughts of others. From now on I will strive to be me 100% of the time. And even though many of us girls think we already are, we aren’t. Imagine yourself without the pressures of society. It’s freeing, isn’t it?

The Magical Powers of Green Tea

A few weeks ago after a few days of horrible eating habits, I got back on track with eating healthy. I only ate fresh foods and drank as much water was possible. But not just ordinary water: Diluted green tea. What's great about this natural herb is it boosts your metabolism and is thought to target belly fat.

My favorite brand of green tea. Decaf helps me avoid the jitters.

Within a few days my mom mentioned how I looked like I lost a ton of weight. Even though I lost about a pound, it looked like much more. The antioxidants in green tea helped my acne clear up, and my skin all over seemed glow a bit. Now I've eaten healthy before, but did not have these kinds of results. I continued to avidly drink green tea every 10-15 minutes and was looking as good as you can without working out.

The only downside to drinking this large amount of green tea is how time consuming it is. I'm constantly brewing cups of tea throughout the day and having to make a conscious decision to drink it so often. But it worked for me.

Yes, "worked". I stopped because of all the fatigue/depression/crazyemotions that I've been dealing with while changing anti-depressants recently. Drinking green tea was the furthest thing from my mind. Until today. The past 3 days I have probably had about 5 pints of ice cream. I thought it would make my depression better, and it did, but only temporarily. Today I woke up very bloated, and um... not happy with my body. What's funny is even though I ate that much ice cream, I have still been eating healthy foods and appropriate portions. Except for that large piece of french bread last night. Oh and the cookies.

Ok, so maybe I'm not eating well, but today was enough to push me to into the right eating mindset again. And now I have my trusty green tea buddy with me. He's boring. Tasteless. But he makes me feel and look better. You oughta try him out for yourself.

Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.

This Is Getting Old

I'm tired of being tired. I mean TIRED of it. Fatigue: you need to find yourself a new home. Like a hyper dog whose owners need a break. Or a toddler whose mom needs some rest. Not me. I have a life to live, and have no time for this nonsense of fighting every waking second to stay awake. Making a conscious decision to not take a nap or get back into bed is tiring in itself. Besides, I miss working out. I think about it every day. All the time. I want to soo badly. But my body just can't do it. It can hardly even function.

My nurse and my psychiatrist both think I have chronic fatique syndrome. Which is basically a side effect of depression. I had my blood drawn at a lab last week, and secretly I want them to come back positive. At least I'll get some stimulants.

My TMS Experience

Here is the promised video of a short segment of my TMS session. We were only allowed one minute of video time, but I'm glad we had the permission to do so. Besides, after a minute you would probably be bored.

Another blessing is that I was able to watch movies, which is what I'm focusing on to not think about the hard tapping sensation on my head. Needless to say, I watched more movies than I cared to for the entire year of 2012.

As you can see, I look worn out. That was (well, still is) a daily thing, and my sessions were every day at 11:30 am. I can't stand to watch this video. My ears  literally translates the sound of the tapping into pain. Ugh. So glad I'm done.

For some reason the video won't embed, so you can follow this link to see it :) 

 Overall, I'd give my TMS experience a B-. I think it helped my medications work better, and helped me get into a little routine which I wasn't used to before. And even though I'm tired as heck all the time, I'm finally able to fight against sleeping all day. I also get really antsy now when I'm not doing little projects.

I gave it a B- because of it's extremely high price, and the procedure itself was very emotional for me because of the pain I had to endure. Not. Fun. One. Bit.

Katie, the TMS tech who worked with me every day was great. It was so nice to have someone my age going through this process with me. She seemed to feel very sympathetic towards my uncomfortable sessions. I'd definitely choose her all over again. Thank you for everything, Katie! You're amazing!

Here is a log I kept for most of my sessions. I didn't finish through the 30 sessions, plus the few tapering sessions at the end. It became pretty redundant once it felt like a routine and nothing was changing. I hope this gives enough insight to those looking into TMS. If you have any questions I'd be very happy to answer them for you. Ask away!

TMS TREATMENTS

Wednesday, April 4 - DAY 1: My treatment started on a Wednesday. Setting the machine to my settings wasn’t too bad. The treatment itself, however, was painful. I cried the entire time while watching some “under the sea” video with horrible music. I continued to cry for about an hour after my treatment as well. It must have been anxiety, dwelling on the fact that I would have to leave the house every day to do this treatment that hurts. One day at a time.

Thursday, April 5 - DAY 2: This day went by a lot faster. I brought my favorite movie, What About Bob, with me. Towards the end of my session, I was pretty nauseous from the pain in my head. Or maybe it was the cinnamon gum disintegrating between my clenched jaws. Even though the treatment felt like it took forever, it seemed a bit faster than day 1.

Friday, April 6 - DAY 3: Much better. What I’m noticing is that the last 5 minutes or so of my treatment is that my left nostril begins to burn when I breathe in. As soon as I’m in the car the burning seems to disappear. I wonder if this is associated with the magnetic coil being placed on the left side of my skull. This day I finished What About Bob.

Monday - April 9 -DAY 4: Today is Monday, and Katie is now doing my treatments (before it was Marie). Actually, I think she started doing them on Friday. She is really nice. We found out today that it’s ok to have slightly wet hair while doing the treatment. I watched the beginning of Blue Crush, which was my favorite movie as a teenager. The pain was much more tolerable today. Maybe I’m just getting used to it. I had the nose burning again today. I had tons of energy for the rest of the day. Felt sort of normal-ish again.

Tuesday, April 10 - DAY 5: Today wasn’t so bad. I watched more of Blue Crush. I’m beginning to tell when the treatment is almost over because of the overwhelming burning sensation in my left nostril. It’s so weird Breathing through the pulses is becoming much easier, and I’m also able to keep my eyes open through it a little better. Today I’m really depressed and lethargic - the opposite of yesterday.

Wednesday, April 11 - DAY 6: Today a different technician took care of me instead of Katie. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. This treatment was just as bad if not worse than day 1. The pulses felt as though they were hitting my temple and not the usual spot, and they were very sharp and not dull. The entire time I was contemplating whether or not to leave immediately. As soon as treatment was done I ripped out of the machine. There was no way I could wait a second longer to have the tech remove the coil, lower the chair & un-tape me.

Thursday, April 12 - DAY 7: WHEW! Katie is back. Thank God. My breathing is 100% easy now during the magnetic pulses, and I can even keep my eyes open as well. This session also went by really quickly. I am still getting a burning sensation on my head and in my left nostril during the last five minutes. It’s like clockwork. Today I started Kicking and Screaming. Love it.

Thursday, April 19 - Day 12: Had a panic attack during treatment. I was begging to go home but my husband helped to calm me down.

Tuesday, April 24 - Day 15: Woohoo! I am now half way through treatment. There is nothing new to report. It’s the same thing every day with a different movie.

Wednesday, April 25 - DAY 16: Increased prescription from 3,700 pulses to 4,500 pulses

Tuesday, May 1 - DAY 20: Increased prescription from 4,500 pulses to 4,800 more pulses. I am now in the chair for an hour. Half-way through my session I take a tiny break from the coil to relieve the “hot” sensation on my scalp. It helps a lot, and makes the rest of my session a little more comfortable. I can’t tell if TMS is working or not. I don’t know… if anything my fight against depression is a little stronger. I have been able to avoid being in bed which has been difficult, to say the least.