August Update Vlog

Baby Steps, Baby.

When I was a teen, my dad said something to me that stuck like glue. “If you want something bad enough, you’ll work hard enough to get it.” I can’t even tell you how many goals this saying has helped me achieve.

So here is another goal, that my willpower is going to get me through to the end: Eat healthy for 30 days (September 20th). Since working out isn’t quite an option just yet for me, I’ll begin from the inside out.

This morning I’ve already started off right with a spinach, strawberry, blueberry and orange juice smoothie. My MIL and I made pre-packaged portions of these fruits and veggies for our freezer, so we are set for mornings. Later this morning at 10am, my husband and I are meeting with a friend for breakfast, and I’ve made a plan to order a fruit bowl. I know I can do this.

 

Baby steps, baby.

 

 

Oh, The Guilt

I can’t express how BADLY I want to be working out. My body yearns for it. What sucks is there is nothing I can do. This mono on top of my severe depression and anxiety just knocks me out. Since last night my desire to be doing P90X has been a burning flame within. How am I supposed to workout when I can hardly stay awake? Sitting at the computer being awake is painful enough. There has got to be a way.

Since my energy has been non-existent, my diet has been horrible. Not only am I self medicating with sugar, I haven’t been conscious at all about what I eat. My poor eating habits make me even more depressed. Not only is this simple guilt, but bad eating habits cause chemical reactions with your brain to cause poor mood.

Agh. Pray for me to have the willpower to eat better food, and to take better care of my body once again. I want to make myself proud, and right now, I’m the furthest thing from it.

Mono

I keep telling myself that I should start writing a blog entry. Even if it’s just rambling on. Anything to write another blog entry. My mind has been a crazy mess. So has my body.

Mono. I have it, and it sucks. There’s not much the doctors can do for me except to have me wait it out. With my depression I’m already really tired all the time. With mono it’s a struggle to be awake all. day. long. My doctors told me to simply let my body rest, but I refuse.

Lately I have been doing anything to keep me busy. I’m working hard with my etsy store, and it’s paying off. My store has been selling nearly every day. It’s such a rewarding feeling to be able to work from home. I also have some items in a local boutique, and refinished furniture in a consignment store. There is also a church that I’m having a blast doing some work for.

The catch here is that if I’m not doing anything, I’m super depressed. But by doing all this stuff, I have a ton of anxiety. I’d rather have anxiety than be depressed. At least I’m being productive, right? No way am I giving into this mono.

100% Me

Who would you be if you lived alone in the woods? Would you be the same person you are today with television, social media, the Internet, celebrities and your friends and family to influence you? I know I wouldn’t.

Last night I kept thinking about who I really am, aside from the color nail polish I choose, or what kinds of clothes I decide to wear, or how I do my hair. It all sounds shallow, but us women know the pressures of being as beautiful as other women. Even though I’m not high maintenance, I still feel like maybe I try too hard. Who would I be if it was just my family and I in the woods?

I would definitely be weirder, because I wouldn’t care as much what others thought of me. My voice would be stronger, more affirmative in my decisions. I’d feel 100% beautiful, because I wouldn’t have photos surrounding me of beautiful models with long blonde hair who have “perfect” abs and legs. I would feel sufficient. I’d be happier with my body, my face, my choices, my actions and reactions.

I want to be that girl. I want to be me 100%. I don’t want all these photos and ideas of who I should be. I don’t want to follow a “style” that changes every 6 months. I don’t want to be labeled or categorized or compared.

So you know what? I won’t. I will be free from my fears of thoughts of others. From now on I will strive to be me 100% of the time. And even though many of us girls think we already are, we aren’t. Imagine yourself without the pressures of society. It’s freeing, isn’t it?

The Magical Powers of Green Tea

A few weeks ago after a few days of horrible eating habits, I got back on track with eating healthy. I only ate fresh foods and drank as much water was possible. But not just ordinary water: Diluted green tea. What's great about this natural herb is it boosts your metabolism and is thought to target belly fat.

My favorite brand of green tea. Decaf helps me avoid the jitters.

Within a few days my mom mentioned how I looked like I lost a ton of weight. Even though I lost about a pound, it looked like much more. The antioxidants in green tea helped my acne clear up, and my skin all over seemed glow a bit. Now I've eaten healthy before, but did not have these kinds of results. I continued to avidly drink green tea every 10-15 minutes and was looking as good as you can without working out.

The only downside to drinking this large amount of green tea is how time consuming it is. I'm constantly brewing cups of tea throughout the day and having to make a conscious decision to drink it so often. But it worked for me.

Yes, "worked". I stopped because of all the fatigue/depression/crazyemotions that I've been dealing with while changing anti-depressants recently. Drinking green tea was the furthest thing from my mind. Until today. The past 3 days I have probably had about 5 pints of ice cream. I thought it would make my depression better, and it did, but only temporarily. Today I woke up very bloated, and um... not happy with my body. What's funny is even though I ate that much ice cream, I have still been eating healthy foods and appropriate portions. Except for that large piece of french bread last night. Oh and the cookies.

Ok, so maybe I'm not eating well, but today was enough to push me to into the right eating mindset again. And now I have my trusty green tea buddy with me. He's boring. Tasteless. But he makes me feel and look better. You oughta try him out for yourself.

Depression's Lies

This is what I have to take every. day. Without these medications and supplements, I don't function.

Vitaman D, Vitamin B, 40mg Viibryd, 25mg Seroquel, 2mg Abilify

But I wouldn't even call it functioning. These are the pills that keep me from going even crazier in my head. They only maintain my depressed state of mind. They don't fix anything. They don't offer much relief. I still feel a burning sensation in my stomach and throat all the time. I still feel like shouting at the top of my lungs to relieve any sort or amount of pain I experience on a daily basis.

I wish any of these pills were "the one". I've been searching for it; the one pill that those who suffer from depression have. It's the pill that works for them. Six years of suffering. Five years of searching. Only when I try a new pill do I get any relief. It lasts about one to two weeks, where I ask myself, "Where has this medication been all along?!" and "Why didn't I try it sooner?!" It always feels so good to be running at 70%. I feel like I'm on top of the world; in control of my life. Then, my neurotransmitters get used to this so-thought magic pill, and everything crashes once again.

My most recent candy added to the bunch is Viibryd. Week one I took 1/2 of my trust 20mg of Lexapro while taking 10mg of the full 40mg of Viibryd. When taking new anti-d's you always need to work your way up to your recommended dose, or things get ugly - fast. Week 2 was 20mg ofViibryd, and adios to Lexapro. It's always terrifying to get off Lexapro to try new meds. Lexapro is my side-kick that keeps most of my crazy, wild, depressed emotions and tears at bay. I've been without him for a whole week now. Needless to say, I'm miserable as hell.


Everything my husband has said or done since being of Lexapro has been killing me to no end. Is it real? Is this man of God, the sweetest most attentive husband really hurting me so badly? It feels like there's a dagger in my chest, and with every new word that escapes his lips, the dagger gets twisted. Is depression that big of a monster that it skews every meaning?

Yes, it is.

Satan: bite the dust.

This Is Getting Old

I'm tired of being tired. I mean TIRED of it. Fatigue: you need to find yourself a new home. Like a hyper dog whose owners need a break. Or a toddler whose mom needs some rest. Not me. I have a life to live, and have no time for this nonsense of fighting every waking second to stay awake. Making a conscious decision to not take a nap or get back into bed is tiring in itself. Besides, I miss working out. I think about it every day. All the time. I want to soo badly. But my body just can't do it. It can hardly even function.

My nurse and my psychiatrist both think I have chronic fatique syndrome. Which is basically a side effect of depression. I had my blood drawn at a lab last week, and secretly I want them to come back positive. At least I'll get some stimulants.

My TMS Experience

Here is the promised video of a short segment of my TMS session. We were only allowed one minute of video time, but I'm glad we had the permission to do so. Besides, after a minute you would probably be bored.

Another blessing is that I was able to watch movies, which is what I'm focusing on to not think about the hard tapping sensation on my head. Needless to say, I watched more movies than I cared to for the entire year of 2012.

As you can see, I look worn out. That was (well, still is) a daily thing, and my sessions were every day at 11:30 am. I can't stand to watch this video. My ears  literally translates the sound of the tapping into pain. Ugh. So glad I'm done.

For some reason the video won't embed, so you can follow this link to see it :) 

 Overall, I'd give my TMS experience a B-. I think it helped my medications work better, and helped me get into a little routine which I wasn't used to before. And even though I'm tired as heck all the time, I'm finally able to fight against sleeping all day. I also get really antsy now when I'm not doing little projects.

I gave it a B- because of it's extremely high price, and the procedure itself was very emotional for me because of the pain I had to endure. Not. Fun. One. Bit.

Katie, the TMS tech who worked with me every day was great. It was so nice to have someone my age going through this process with me. She seemed to feel very sympathetic towards my uncomfortable sessions. I'd definitely choose her all over again. Thank you for everything, Katie! You're amazing!

Here is a log I kept for most of my sessions. I didn't finish through the 30 sessions, plus the few tapering sessions at the end. It became pretty redundant once it felt like a routine and nothing was changing. I hope this gives enough insight to those looking into TMS. If you have any questions I'd be very happy to answer them for you. Ask away!

TMS TREATMENTS

Wednesday, April 4 - DAY 1: My treatment started on a Wednesday. Setting the machine to my settings wasn’t too bad. The treatment itself, however, was painful. I cried the entire time while watching some “under the sea” video with horrible music. I continued to cry for about an hour after my treatment as well. It must have been anxiety, dwelling on the fact that I would have to leave the house every day to do this treatment that hurts. One day at a time.

Thursday, April 5 - DAY 2: This day went by a lot faster. I brought my favorite movie, What About Bob, with me. Towards the end of my session, I was pretty nauseous from the pain in my head. Or maybe it was the cinnamon gum disintegrating between my clenched jaws. Even though the treatment felt like it took forever, it seemed a bit faster than day 1.

Friday, April 6 - DAY 3: Much better. What I’m noticing is that the last 5 minutes or so of my treatment is that my left nostril begins to burn when I breathe in. As soon as I’m in the car the burning seems to disappear. I wonder if this is associated with the magnetic coil being placed on the left side of my skull. This day I finished What About Bob.

Monday - April 9 -DAY 4: Today is Monday, and Katie is now doing my treatments (before it was Marie). Actually, I think she started doing them on Friday. She is really nice. We found out today that it’s ok to have slightly wet hair while doing the treatment. I watched the beginning of Blue Crush, which was my favorite movie as a teenager. The pain was much more tolerable today. Maybe I’m just getting used to it. I had the nose burning again today. I had tons of energy for the rest of the day. Felt sort of normal-ish again.

Tuesday, April 10 - DAY 5: Today wasn’t so bad. I watched more of Blue Crush. I’m beginning to tell when the treatment is almost over because of the overwhelming burning sensation in my left nostril. It’s so weird Breathing through the pulses is becoming much easier, and I’m also able to keep my eyes open through it a little better. Today I’m really depressed and lethargic - the opposite of yesterday.

Wednesday, April 11 - DAY 6: Today a different technician took care of me instead of Katie. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. This treatment was just as bad if not worse than day 1. The pulses felt as though they were hitting my temple and not the usual spot, and they were very sharp and not dull. The entire time I was contemplating whether or not to leave immediately. As soon as treatment was done I ripped out of the machine. There was no way I could wait a second longer to have the tech remove the coil, lower the chair & un-tape me.

Thursday, April 12 - DAY 7: WHEW! Katie is back. Thank God. My breathing is 100% easy now during the magnetic pulses, and I can even keep my eyes open as well. This session also went by really quickly. I am still getting a burning sensation on my head and in my left nostril during the last five minutes. It’s like clockwork. Today I started Kicking and Screaming. Love it.

Thursday, April 19 - Day 12: Had a panic attack during treatment. I was begging to go home but my husband helped to calm me down.

Tuesday, April 24 - Day 15: Woohoo! I am now half way through treatment. There is nothing new to report. It’s the same thing every day with a different movie.

Wednesday, April 25 - DAY 16: Increased prescription from 3,700 pulses to 4,500 pulses

Tuesday, May 1 - DAY 20: Increased prescription from 4,500 pulses to 4,800 more pulses. I am now in the chair for an hour. Half-way through my session I take a tiny break from the coil to relieve the “hot” sensation on my scalp. It helps a lot, and makes the rest of my session a little more comfortable. I can’t tell if TMS is working or not. I don’t know… if anything my fight against depression is a little stronger. I have been able to avoid being in bed which has been difficult, to say the least.

Sweet Dreams

Since I can't sleep, I might as well be productive and write a blog post. It's been 10 days since my last one, so I'm a little over due! My energy levels have been even lower than before (which I didn't think was possible). It's the kind of tired where your body is hurting so badly, and begging you for sleep. All. Day. Long. Seriously, it's horrible. But at least I'm not giving in to this heavier than heavy sleepiness.

Yesterday was good. We went to the lake for a little bit even though my body said no. Redding weather has taken it's turn for the worst, just like every year. We are now in the triple digits. Probably for a good month now.

TMS is FINALLY over! I can't even tell you how happy I am about that. Tomorrow (or should I say later today) I will post a TMS video along with a log that I kept for the first part of TMS along with how it has helped me. After the first 20 days or so it became too redundant to even log anything. You'll see what I'm talking about.

Well... I better be off to bed. It's past 1am and I'm just feeling too depressed to sleep. When I feel this way I hate being in bed, because that is when I cry. Even though my husband is asleep next to me, I still feel so alone when I go to bed depressed.

Ok I forgot to mention. I am now on four separate and delicious anti-depressants. How did that happen? To be fair, I am weaning off one and weaning onto another. But still. I have read on threads and forums about people who are on so many anti-d's and I used to ask myself "How the heck did they get that far?" Well now I know.

May your dreams be sweet.

Anxiety & Traveling

As I type, I am sitting at my sister-in-law's kitchen table. Yesterday was my husband's and my four year wedding anniversary, and we decided to leave Redding for the weekend.

Usually when I'm on the freeway, I have major anxiety and panic attacks. These horrible episodes have been taking place for a few years now. I'm not too sure when it really started or what may have triggered the fear of long traveling on the freeway, but it was inhibited my ability to leave Redding. This trip wasn't too bad though. I still had anxiety on the freeway, but not the blacking-out-kind-of-anxiety that I've had on previous trips.

Not fearing for my life every minute on the highway has been a relief. I did have some anxiety at certain points in the drive, but overall I'd say my anxiety level was at a 5 (10 being at its worst).

Freeway anxiety is only one aspect of my annoying emotional problems while traveling. There is a birthday party on Sunday that I'm going to where I'll be able to see my sister and old friends  that I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. As you can imagine, I'm beyond thrilled to see everyone, but if you're an avid reader of my blog, you'll know I get major anxiety in groups of people. I haven't had any anxiety about this party for weeks up until a few days ago. Now I'm still going, but I am so happy that my loving husband will be there with me just in case my anxiety gets the best of me.

Until then, I'll continue to pray. Anxiety - bite the dust! I will NOT let you ruin my vaca!

Matthew & I in Old Sacramento

Eating at Fat City Bar & Grill in Old Sac

June Is Here!!!

Why is this exciting? There's a few reasons. One: It's my favorite month of the year. Summer is almost here and it meant summer break as a kid. Two: It's my anniversary month. My husband and I married on June 7th four years. We usually do something fun every year, and this year we are going to Sacramento to Water World with his sister and her husband. And I get to see old friends and my sister whom I haven't seen in years! Needless to say, next weekend is going to be a blast. And three: I get to weigh myself after 6 weeks of not knowing my weight.

At the end of April I promised to not weigh myself until June 1st after not stepping on the scale for about a week already. It has been so great not knowing my weight! Us women tend to obsess over the number the scale flashes at us. I have been telling myself "Today I feel like I weigh XXX." And so it would be, because I believed it. In a way I made my own reality with how much I weighed, and I have to say it has been freeing.

This morning I woke up, excited to know the true number that my body weighs. When I stepped on the scale I was shocked, to say the least. I had lost 10 pounds. Now, I did have the stomach flu for the first half of May, but I also didn't start eating healthy again until this Monday. What I'm afraid happened was that I lost all the muscle I built during P90X, and instead of being happy that I lost 10 pounds, I'm pretty sad about it.

Now, I could go measure myself, but I'm not sure how much good that would do. If I did lose muscle then wouldn't my measurements still show a loss in inches? I'm unsure. But I'll do it anyway. In fact, I'll go do it now.

My arms are the same, however, I lost a total of 3.4 inches. Once inch from my chest, 1 inch from my waist, 1 inch from my hips, and .2 inches from each thigh. Because I gained weight and inches from not doing P90X, I am now back to where I was when I last did P90X, only lighter with less muscle. Happy and sad at the same time. My ultimate goal is to be very toned, not fit into certain size jeans.

What are your fitness goals?

My Body's Progress

Time to get back onto the fitness wagon! Especially after a day out on on the lake yesterday in a barely there bikini. I can't even begin to describe how self-concious I felt, but I have a hunch that you know that feeling all too well.

In my last video, I mentioned that I would take photos of my current body. By now it's been about 5 weeks since I have done P90X, and now that my stomach flu is finally over I'd like to pick up where I left off. I made it through phase 1 and 2 of P90X, and started day 1 of phase 3. I think I'll simply begin phase 3 again so I can start off by doing weight training ( I love it way more than cardio, which is day 2).

So... well... here they are *closes eyes*...

Ok, so it could be worse. I'm not back to square one, but I have regressed a bit. On April 22 I made a promise to not weigh myself until June 1st (only 3 more days until I can! Yay!) so I have no idea what I weigh. As Flab2Fab mentioned, gaining weight is a part of the journey. I need to accept this and keep moving forward.

Being in my bikini on Memorial Day: brave or inconsiderate?

Here's something interesting. This is a chart of my blog's facebook page activity for the month of May. I find it interesting how accurately it reflects my depression and mood. During the middle of this month I seemed to be doing worse than usual, and the chart reflects that. Fascinating.

A Break in the Storm

I don't even know where to start. In summary, yesterday was A GOOD DAY. A very wholesome, family filled, packed with smiles and laughter kind of day. The relief of not being burdened with the worst fatigue and overwhelming sadness is indescribable. Now, not to say I felt 100% normal again, but I'll take that 75% good feeling any day.

It started out with waking up one hour before my alarm clock. This is considered a huge feat by my husband, since I'm always fighting to stay in bed. My mom called soon after to ask us to pick up a BBQ for my step-dad as a surprise birthday gift (Happy Birthday today, PZ!). My husband and I happily went to Home Depot to get the BBQ. We were like giddy school girls when we picked it up and sneakily hid it in my parent's shed.

What was even more fun, was seeing the surprised look on his face when we pulled off the blanket that was covering it on the back porch. He quickly went to the store and spent a good two hours doing what I'm assuming was the best grocery trip of his life. While he was barbequeing, I began dancing around on the back porch. PZ turned to look at me and said "I really love seeing you like this." It dawned on me that I was having an amazing day. I mean, look at me! I was DANCING!

Today was my fifth day of taking my new medication, Abilify 2mg, on top of my Lexpro 20mg and Seroquel 25mg. Friday was also my 31st TMS session. Now that I am finished, I am tapering off TMS by doing two sessions a week for the next three weeks. We'll see how I continue to do. Hopefully progressivly better :)

Enjoying the sunshine and the lake behind my parent's house

Yes. Shaving our legs outside. You ladies MUST do this. It's so fun and makes shaving more enjoyable!!!

Love My Summer

I cannot even begin to tell you how deep my love for Summer is. When this season begins to approach, I become anxious for the sun's rays to warm my skin that is glistening with lake water. Nothing compares to being in the midst of God's beauty at Whiskeytown Lake. You hear nothing. You smell everything. The feeling of freedom consumes me when I'm in the clear blue water. Nature surrounds you with it's most brilliant blue and green hues.

When I'm there, I am not depressed. There are no feelings of the burning sadness running down my chest that burdens me on a daily basis. For a few blissfull hours, I'm free. The simple thought of being at the lake brings me relief of experiencing those feelings that oppose the darkness in my life.

Everyone has their Summer. What is yours?

Summer 2010 - My husband, Matthew, and I

Summer 2010 - Sis-N-Law Katie, Brother Jason, Me, Husband Matthew

Summer 2010 - Brother Jason, Sis-N-Law Katie, Me, Husband Matthew